I thought once I had Benson all the feelings centered around infertility would go away. They seem to go away. I held my beautiful baby, after so much struggle and heart break, I felt healed. Healed by his presence. Healed by the faith I worked so hard to earn back. Haled by the spirits attending his birth. I had no idea moments of hard, of misunderstanding, of doubt, moments focused on the unknown and of uncertainty in our fertility future, all would slowly but surely reopen the wound I was confident had become a scar. Some days I can feel the rawness of the wound. It opens with an intenseness difficult to explain, slamming me back to my years of dark days. I lose my breath, my logical thinking. The fear wins. It trickles through my body like ice cold pricks in my veins. Other days it fades back to the scar I garnered holding my sweet babes. It's a white washed memory. I wish I was tougher, That I could control its healing and harsh reopening. Unfortunately I'm not.
1 comment:
My Sweet Swan. I feel so much for you. Your struggle with infertility has been tough and yet you have pressed through it and you have been that strong woman I always knew you would be. You've taken the good with the bad and you've managed to "score" another darling baby boy. I know you have even bigger hopes and dreams, but I as your father I would gently admonish you to count your blessings. I don't need to enumerate them for you because they all just sprung into your mind when you read that. We sometimes get our minds keyed in on one area of our lives that just is so much less than we believe we deserve or where we feel a blessing is "due". Then we keep running this same thought through our lives again and again and again causing it to grow and touch so many unrelated factors until it consume us. It can be something like this, it can be finances, it can be relationships, it can be so many things. I know you. I know your heart. I know the little girl who was always sweet and kind and loved the gospel and the Lord. This is hard for you, but please don't make it harder than it has to be. Hold those boys, feel their tiny spirits as they blossom in your home and your life. Cherish those moments and train your boys and instill in them the love you have for all things wonderful in life but especially for their Father in Heaven. You're a fantastic mother. You have darling kids and an adoring husband. You, my Sweet Swan, have a charmed life in so many ways... and yet we all have struggles. It truly doesn't matter what the struggle is... it only matters how you handle it. You're made of some pretty tough stuff on both sides of the genetic pool. You don't have to dig down too deep to find that combination of grit and love that will take you through life's challenges. You should know that you always make me very pleased when I see you. I adore you and your little family... cherish all that you have and what you don't have won't overwhelm you.
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