Motherhood. Such a simple phrase. It carries a tenderness. A nurturing sensibility. A diving privilege. For some it comes easily, others harder and some it comes it unconventional ways and/or looks very different. I believe every woman experiences motherhood in their own precious way or at least I'd like to hope that for them (if it's their desire). For me, motherhood did not come easily or rather pregnancy didn't. While I was born a nurturer and mother at heart. My body had other plans. With our first, Jax's conception came easily, with a smooth pregnancy and birth. He was a sweet infant, preferring his mom to all. He became a very, very, very, very busy toddler (sometimes leaving this momma in tears, not knowing how to deal with his high energy and lack of listening skills. Add an over zealous first time mom on there and we were a little bit of a hot mess). Jon and I believed our path to more children would be similar to the first and be quick. We proceeded to try and have a second child. Unfortunately, the Lord's will and timeline said no. We proceeded to do a battery of tests leaving us with a diagnosis of Unexplained Secondary Infertility (which didn't feel like a diagnosis at all to be honest) and completed 3 IUI's with my OB, Dr. Ollerton. Despite his best effort, even coming in on a Sunday in his church clothes to perform an IUI because of timing of my ovulation, no baby. We then moved to a fertility clinic. After two weeks a of shots, a painful trigger shots, lots of ultrasounds, and another IUI, after 2.5 years we were finally able to conceive! Our sweet Benson Timothy was born! He came out like a shot gun shell (I went from a 6 to a 10 in 12 minutes) but that delivery room. Oh my word, how the concord of angels attended his birth. My most favorite angel, Timmers (my sister's husband who had passed away a little more than a year before his birth), had a presence in that room that rivaled most (I think because Bens became his little buddy in heaven, the enveloping smile and love of pizza being the biggest pieces of proof). Benson's birth ended up be a healing to my heart with the loss of my bonus brother and to our extended family's. Benson was a sweet but colicky baby. Held and loved by all! He has a zest for life that is unmatched, a firey disposition that rivals his red hair and a sweetness that melts any and all. After Benson's birth we thought we would be proceed with fertility treatments but hit another road block when I went in for first round of testing. They said my thyroid was so low they wouldn't proceed as my baby would die in utero or be born prematurely or with mental deficits. I lost it. We decided to wait on moving forward to get a second opinion and seek treatment if necessary. Within a month, I held a positive pregnancy test a just bawled. My baby was going to die or be born with deficits because of me and my body. I called my OB and they ran my blood work again.......my thyroid had rebounded and was operating normally. My beautiful *accidentally* naturally conceived baby was hopefully going to fine. They kept telling me those words but my heart was racked with guilt and concern. I was in tears a lot of appointments, questioning their answer. My two doctors were kind, medically thorough and reassuring (love them to death, they are the best!) Weston Oliver also came out like a rocket (apparently my body thought going from a 6 to 10 super quick was fun and decided to do it again). His delivery room had such a sweet reverence after I was done swearing because my epidural wore off (same thing happened with Benson's birth). He was my most colicky infant, needing to be held by just me for the first 5 months of his life 24 hours a day. And looking back, even though I was struggling with anxiety from my pregnancy bleeding onto in infancy and not sleeping because of his needs, I realized I needed him that close to me as a he did for the first months of his life. West is now in throws of three-nager-ness. Alternating between the sweetest kid in town and independence flexing that might give his teenage cousins a run for their money ;). Now Jon and I hold the idea of fourth baby in our hearts. An idea so fragile it hurts to think about it. We haven't had another miracle natural conception and the fear of doing fertility treatments with three kids in tow (in my life) seems paralyze me most days. So for now it will remain a hope until I can find a way to move forward. I will never take motherhood for granted. Sure there are moments where I miss my independence and autonomy. But oh my little people. The words for the gratitude in my heart fails me. I always related to the phrase of my children are my heart being outside my chest. Nothing could be closer to how I feel about them. I feel all their feels and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love experiencing their joy, their discoveries, their elation, their growth. I hate to see them in pain, but to seem them strive to achieve, to thrive, to improve.....it's amazing. Being their mother is the greatest privilege in my life.
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