Well....Hmmmmmmm where to start!?!?! Body image is one of those things that doesn't tend to get easier with age or experience, well at least not for me. I've been trim and pretty fit, I've been heavy and a little lumpy (for my liking and frame) and a lot of in between. Before I got married I was in the best shape I had ever been in. I worked out 5 days a week and ate almost completely clean, with the occasional treat. After I got married, I gained a little marriage weight over the first almost two years. Then I decided to get healthy and got in pretty amazing shape. Shortly after we got pregnant with Jaxson. I was very strict with myself and exercised almost the entire time and ate pretty dang healthy. I ended up gaining a little shy of 30 pounds during the pregnancy. Once I had Jax (who was 8 pounds 3 ounces), I lost all my pregnant weight by my six week appointment and was 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months. For me the weight loss was almost completely from nursing, for which I was eating a massive amount of food, in addition to some random work out sessions. After Jax weaned, my awesome figure slowly (without my really recognizing it) gained some weight back. Mainly because I kept eating like I was nursing. Right around that time we started to struggle with unexplained secondary infertility. I began to eat my sad and gained more weight. Over the next 2 and half years, I probably ended up putting on about an extra 10 pounds. Once we finally got pregnant, I was about 10 pounds over my normal and 15 over my oh-la-la super trim and fit weight and in a so-so work out routine. But there was no way I was going to be mad at my body. I was finally pregnant! It definitely ended up being a pretty different pregnancy. I was chasing around Jax and grabbed food here and there and working out was far more optional. This time I have no idea how much I gained as I faced away from the scale at my doctor check ups but at my 37 week appointment the nurse said my gain weight was under 25 pounds. I was pretty excited about that! Once I delivered Benson (who was 7 pounds 12 ounces), my weight started to melt off again and I was super excited. Nursing, which didn't come as easy as last time, but it was paying off! However at about 4 weeks my weight loss plateaued and I started to gain and have pretty much not stopped gaining since then. I'm not going to lie......nursing still makes me hungry ALL the time and I'm not eating healthy (I didn't either when I was nursing Jax). Usually I'm grabbing whatever is around and let's be honest if there is a treat I'm going to eat it.....chocolate makes my world go round because I have a baby who likes to eat every 3 hours around the clock and 4 year old who pops an attitude with only me! Honestly, there is nothing more I would like to do than a HARDCORE slim down but that doesn't work with breastfeeding, especially this go around (I have been having SO many issues nursing this time). I am trying to remember that even though I shared my body for 9 months, the sharing is not over until nursing is over. A part of me wants to scream and cry because my body does not feel like my own right now. There are lumps, bumps and bulges I have never seen before. I hate wearing real clothes and avoid any and all pictures. Truly and seriously, this has probably been the worst I have struggled with my body image. Don't get me wrong, the gratitude I feel for my body to have had my boys is unexplainable. I know both of them are miracles in their own right and my body had a huge part in that. However, I'm still constantly torn between gratitude and frustration. One good thing to come out of my current struggle is now I understand both sides of post pregnancy with nursing.....the weight melting off and gaining weight while nursing. My empathy and love for other mothers and women has only expanded. So for now I will take deep breaths, try to be kind to my amazing body that made two beautiful boys, feed it a little healthier than the day before and move forward.
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