Tiny Moment - Buddies From the Start

I was looking through some old photos on the IPad and found this little gem. I think Jax is a month or two old and Lola is barely 2. Aren't they the cutest?!?! Buddies from the start :) 

Tiny Moment - Race Car Jaxson

Love this little race car. Just trying to figure out where he gets all his fuel for racing from :) 

Prayer - My Own Garden

I feel in life we are all faced with our own Garden(s) of Gethsemane. Also known as our low of our lows. The trial that strikes at our core.Yes I know I am not Christ and did not and have not taken on the sins of man. However, I believe we all face that trial in this mortality causing us to plead, to beg for it to be taken, to emotionally and spiritually bleed from our pores. We feel insufficient, defeated. We just know God has overestimated our strength, our endurance because there is no way we can persevere, let alone prevail. The past two and half years and counting have been my Gethsemane. I have begged and pleaded for this cup to be taken. I have hit my lowest of lows. I have yelled at my Savior and Heavenly Father. I have even questioned their concern and love for me. I have questioned everything and anything, just trying to relieve some of the pain I have felt. To stop feeling like the walls are closing in, that my faults are crushing me and the waves of babies I think I will never have are drowning me. I have waded and lived in my Garden. Trying to not let it break me in a way I can't come back from.

The other night I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. I recently started following a sweet family, whose daughter had massive seizures due to her undiagnosed juvenile diabetes (from what I understand), causing major brain damage. They are currently chronicling her recovery and its an extremely daunting one but the family is absolutely amazing. The father of the family wrote an entry on prayer which resonated so deeply with me. I don't pretend to compare my situation with theirs. I can't imagine the pain and grief they have and currently experience watching their child go through such agony.  I do believe our words can aid others and be applicable in so many contexts and am beyond grateful for his. Anyways, this father talks about his desires to pray to the Lord. He speaks to line between the Lord's will and his own. He goes on to quote Matthew 26:39 "And he went a littler further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O Father, it be possible, let this cup pass from me; never less not as my will, but as thou wilt". This scripture is Christ speaking to Heavenly Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ having full knowledge of our Father's plan and His own role in said plan, still pled unto Heavenly Father to consider another path but ultimately accepted the Father's will. One thing in life which has always contended with my soul is the line between His will and my own. We were blessed with free will, right? However, we are also asked to seek after the Lord's will. I tend to be very analytical, yet I continually march to the beat of my own drum. From a young age, I have questioned and examined the world around me. As general rule this has gained me answers, deeper faith and a firmer foundation. These past two and half years have challenged everything down into my core. My purpose, my faith, my faults, my everything. Satan has seen fit to attempt digging into every crevasse of concern, doubt and painI have every felt and feel at this moment. There have been moments of relief and solace but the mistrust I have found within myself has been my own worst enemy. It brought questioning to the reception of the spirit and the message it brings. Was it an answer to prayer or my own desire?  I can look back and see when I have unintentionally mismanaged an heavenly answer but only in hindsight. Like I said I am living in my own "Garden of Gethsemane". And in that Garden, I have prayed nightly for the past couple of weeks, I have laid in bed and prayed to know what to pray for. While I believe God answers prayers and miracles exist in this world, I also believe they are not predicated on faith alone. They must also be granted on his timeline and according to His will and desired path for our life. So when I lay in bed at night all I want to do is pray for this month's cycle to work out, to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want to bribe Heavenly Father with promises of good behavior and future selfless acts. I want my desire, heart ache and faith in Him to be enough for my prayers to be answered. However, I know I can plead with the Lord till I'm blue in the face but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Trust me, I have been there too many months to count. I don't doubt that He hears me, that He inspires those along my path to help and assist me and my family, that He cries with me, that He holds my soul in his fatherly embrace, that He sends extra angels to stay with me. But it does not change His plan for me and my family and that is a hard truth to swallow. Blind faith has been a constant struggle for me. I'm a realist. I'm analytical. I need to make sense of the world around me. Everything has it's place. That's how I view the world but unfortunately not all things work out that way. This infertility challenge has stretched and broken me in so many ways. It has cause a reality check in more than one way. And it has rocked my faith. I am finding my way, slowly. I know my Savior will not leave me. He will stay with me, in my Garden. And how grateful I am for that.

Tiny Moment - Counting His Moneys

About once a week, Jax brings me his train bank and asks to count his money. He kills me!!! :) 

Tiny Moment - Cutest Potty Trainee Ever!

We have decided to take another go at potty training and it's going a lot better this round. Dude is almost 3 and half, it's about dang time! But seriously isn't he the cutest little trainee ever! He decided to steal my "yard sunglasses" and thought he was pretty funny. 

Field Trip - A Little This, A Little of That

A little farm.......

A little jump......

Oh how we LOVE our field trips :) Love these two monkeys even more :).

St. Patty's Day

Our sneaky little leprechaun made his way into our house and left a few surprises. 

When our mischievous mister woke up he was beyond happy. :) 

This boy loves bubbles and needed to blow them the moment he woke up. Unfortunately it was a little chilly for that at 7am. 

Love this happy boy!

I might have pinched him even though he wore green :). Those cheeks are too cute not to be pinched. 

Finally warmed up enough to go outside and someone was thrilled! :) 

And this is how our party animal ends the night! Shirtless with a Sprite.

Tiny Moment - "Flower"

My babes brought me a "flower" after playing outside with Jon :).  Oh my 'lanta I love this kiddo!!! :) 

Tiny Moment - Sometimes Sunday

This is what Sundays look like with no nap and missing Dad who had to work today. 

Roller Rink Time!

Such a fun night! We joined the Watsons (& Cook and her girls) at their roller rink night for school. Jax might have taken out a few people on red racer! He was little scary on that thing but super funny. He was ear to ear smiles. :) 

Tiny Moment - Mornings

Man this kid is super entertaining if and when I try and get ready for the day. First it was flossing.....

Then it was trying on Dad's shoes......

This all happened within 5 minutes. ;) 

Tiny Moment - We Finally It Outside!

Love that winter is fading fast this year (unless more snow wants to come, I'll take that). My outside boy made it outside and was in total vitamin D heaven. :) 

Tiny Moment - Digger Bliss

Jaxson loves when one of neighbor's works on their backyards. Most of the time it means heavy equipment, like a digger.....his favorite! :) Needless to say it was digger bliss at our house for a few days :).