The other night I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. I recently started following a sweet family, whose daughter had massive seizures due to her undiagnosed juvenile diabetes (from what I understand), causing major brain damage. They are currently chronicling her recovery and its an extremely daunting one but the family is absolutely amazing. The father of the family wrote an entry on prayer which resonated so deeply with me. I don't pretend to compare my situation with theirs. I can't imagine the pain and grief they have and currently experience watching their child go through such agony. I do believe our words can aid others and be applicable in so many contexts and am beyond grateful for his. Anyways, this father talks about his desires to pray to the Lord. He speaks to line between the Lord's will and his own. He goes on to quote Matthew 26:39 "And he went a littler further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O Father, it be possible, let this cup pass from me; never less not as my will, but as thou wilt". This scripture is Christ speaking to Heavenly Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ having full knowledge of our Father's plan and His own role in said plan, still pled unto Heavenly Father to consider another path but ultimately accepted the Father's will. One thing in life which has always contended with my soul is the line between His will and my own. We were blessed with free will, right? However, we are also asked to seek after the Lord's will. I tend to be very analytical, yet I continually march to the beat of my own drum. From a young age, I have questioned and examined the world around me. As general rule this has gained me answers, deeper faith and a firmer foundation. These past two and half years have challenged everything down into my core. My purpose, my faith, my faults, my everything. Satan has seen fit to attempt digging into every crevasse of concern, doubt and painI have every felt and feel at this moment. There have been moments of relief and solace but the mistrust I have found within myself has been my own worst enemy. It brought questioning to the reception of the spirit and the message it brings. Was it an answer to prayer or my own desire? I can look back and see when I have unintentionally mismanaged an heavenly answer but only in hindsight. Like I said I am living in my own "Garden of Gethsemane". And in that Garden, I have prayed nightly for the past couple of weeks, I have laid in bed and prayed to know what to pray for. While I believe God answers prayers and miracles exist in this world, I also believe they are not predicated on faith alone. They must also be granted on his timeline and according to His will and desired path for our life. So when I lay in bed at night all I want to do is pray for this month's cycle to work out, to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want to bribe Heavenly Father with promises of good behavior and future selfless acts. I want my desire, heart ache and faith in Him to be enough for my prayers to be answered. However, I know I can plead with the Lord till I'm blue in the face but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Trust me, I have been there too many months to count. I don't doubt that He hears me, that He inspires those along my path to help and assist me and my family, that He cries with me, that He holds my soul in his fatherly embrace, that He sends extra angels to stay with me. But it does not change His plan for me and my family and that is a hard truth to swallow. Blind faith has been a constant struggle for me. I'm a realist. I'm analytical. I need to make sense of the world around me. Everything has it's place. That's how I view the world but unfortunately not all things work out that way. This infertility challenge has stretched and broken me in so many ways. It has cause a reality check in more than one way. And it has rocked my faith. I am finding my way, slowly. I know my Savior will not leave me. He will stay with me, in my Garden. And how grateful I am for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment