I love to go on vacation. Who doesn't right?!?! But whenever I come back, within a day it feels like I never went. Sure I can vaguely remember the anticipation of going, the fun of being there and the memories but when real life kicks back in, almost all is forgotten. Crazy I know!!!! And I have always been like this. This pregnancy, this amazing thing, feels like a "vacation" for me. Well no, let me rephrase, the infertility that led to this pregnancy feels like the after math of a "vacation" for me. The memory of our struggle has been diluted. It was replaced by the joy of finding out we were finally preggers, the discomforts and physical pains of pregnancy and the nerves of life after the baby is born. I'm so nervous about life with two kids, Jaxson's adjustment, losing time with him, not sleeping but finding patience and love for the both of the boys, not sleeping, sleep deprivation, the birth recovery for me (my bum included), breast engorgement, breastfeeding, baby blues, etc. In addition to feeling really sick and miserable this past week, I'm struggling to remember our infertility "vacation" and find the incredible joy and gratitude I should be experiencing right now. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my little miracle man. A little boy that took two and half years to conceive. I feel him kick, roll, punch and hiccup every day. So tonight I decided to read through all my old thoughts and posts on our two and half year journey through secondary infertility. I wanted to remember the fight, the heartache, the hope.....all of it! I wanted to find the forgotten and hopefully find a renewed appreciation for our struggle and upcoming blessing. And wow, what a journey it has been. So much in 2.5 years! Some much hard, heart break, so many tears, so much angry, so much fear, so much physical pain, so much of it all. But also so much faith restored, so much strength given to my relationship with Christ, my husband, with Jax, so much gratitude for different things in my life, so much healing. Our infertility journey is never something I would wish upon anyone (or even myself) but I am so grateful for everything I learned and for the growth I experienced. Grateful for everything I gained. Everything. I could not be more grateful for this sweet baby boy coming in a week! Yes, the infertility post trip feelings are creeping in, but I'm only a moment from the journey I went through. I hope I will always remember the experience, the good, the bad. What we gained, what we lost. Everything.
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