Two Years

I have been waiting. I knew it was coming. That mark. The mark which I knew was going to be so hard. It's here and it is. It's been two years. Two years of heartache, guilt, tears, crushed hope, physical pain. Two years of roller coaster emotions. Two years of emotional self beating. Two years of testing with no answers. Two years of failed procedures. Two years of being poked and prodded, literally and figuratively. Two years of my hardest trials. It's been two years of trying to get pregnant and expand our family, with only heartache to show for it.
It's also been two years of immense gratitude for the son I have. Recognizing what a miracle his conception was (he was conceived the first month). As well as recognizing what an amazing little guy he is now and celebrating who he is becoming. It's been a lot of savoring cuddles and trying to hold on to the small moments of each stage, snapping mental pictures along the way.
The past two years have also challenged and broke down so many parts of me.  I found myself fighting to keep my faith on more than one occasion. Grappling with why some people who are beyond unfit would receive the gift of a child, yet we wouldn't. There have been many hours on my knees, in my head and all around, seeking relief from my sorrow and understanding of our situation. And while in the moment it was hard to recognize, in hindsight I realize the Lord had been carrying me. I  know my pain and sorrow have been eased when I seek His comfort. I know He is there through every failed cycle, friend or family pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, or bump seen. I know that while my trial is mine to bear, I'm not alone in bearing it.
When I first started thinking about the two year mark, I could barely see past my pain, my disappointment. But as I sat down to right about this crappy milestone, my heart could not help but exude gratitude.  Far more than I realized was in there, which I am very grateful for that. I hope that as Jon and I continue down our infertility path, small moments continue to reveal the tender mercies of the Lord and inspiration leads us to the expansion of our family.