Body Image

The dreaded phrase....body image! I have never had the healthiest of body image nor the most unhealthy. Thankfully I never struggled to the point of an eating disorder and I so feel for those that have. But I have struggled with my body image being very closely tied to my self worth and I hate that! (*Advisory: Please know that my parents always expressed being beautiful inside and out, this is my issue) If I gain 5 or 10 pounds (pregnancy extempt, well I guess just my first pregnancy. How I feel about the others could be a crab shoot), I start to get this cloud around me. At first, I have a hard time putting my finger on it. I think am I stressed about something, am I forgetting something, did I say something to offend someone, did someone say something I took offense to. I think and think about it and then I remember I am 5 to 10 pounds heavier than I feel good about and bingo the cloud makes sense.  This nasty cloud that I unfortunately allow tears into my self worth at every angle. I suddenly become a horrible wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I can't do anything right. Now I know to most this is craziness and completely illogical. How can carrying 5-10 extra pounds affect me like this? And the answer is.....I have no idea! Nothing inside me has changed. No one finds less worth in me, except for me! I know that Heavenly Father doesn't base my value on my looks or weight, as no one in my life who knows or cares about me does either. But I sit and look at my rolls and pudginess. I feel discouraged and shed tears as I put on my garments or clothes and they are tight everywhere they used to be loose. I just feel sad and I let that cloud surround me. This lady was born a self-beater. So if something is not going accordingly, I find the fault in myself and I expose it and pick at it. I make that 5-10 pounds into 100 pounds in my mind, which still shouldn't change the way I feel about my self worth. Thankfully, even though the pounds haven't gone away the feeling is usually not constant and I get some relief from the mental self-beating. I guess this post is just a vent if nothing else because I am carrying that nasty extra 5-10 pounds (for no reason other than mommy laziness - I used to go to the gym 5+ times a week before I had Jax! Being a mom and finding the energy and time (coordinating with Jon's crazy schedule) has been more of a task than I was prepared for). The post is also a good reminder for me to work on separating my weight from my worth (let's just add it to my HUGE Lyss improvement list!).