The Ride

(I have discovered over this past year plus that motherhood is not all sunshine and butterflies and neither is this post.....just a fair warning :))

This past week has been a test of not only motherhood but also my faith. Jax has been sick so much this  fall and winter and had different pains that we have been unable to figure out and fighting to fix (This is not meant to alarm anyone, from what we know it's been colds, flus, tummy aches, teething, dairy allergy, etc.). At 14 months he doesn't have the words and his frustration only added to tiring nature of the week, as did mine and Jon's frustrations. Some many points I would offer a simple prayer asking for Jax to feel better or for him to sleep but honestly I couldn't feel or see an answer. I started to feel a smidgin bugged but kept moving forward because there was no other choice. Then at my breaking point I became angry, so angry. I saw such a dramatic dip in my faith and felt such a separation from my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I sat crying holding my crying babes and felt helpless and so alone. Honestly I felt forsaken. I couldn't understand why the Lord wouldn't answer my prayers. I was asking to help my child, His child. I spoke with my sister and told her that I thought the Lord stopped hearing and answering my prayers, that he didn't care. Even though to some it might seem like a silly reason to lose faith or doubt your Savior's love, but for me in that moment it was too much for me to bare. My sister, being the wonderful mother, sister, friend that she is, assured me that my Savior loved me and He did hear me. She pointed out that sometimes the things that happen are a trial of our faith. Later, as I sat rocking my sweet babes, I offered a prayer that to me can only be described as a mother's plea. I cried and cried to my Heavenly Father that I would just be able to help my son. That I would not feel utterly useless and a failure, that even if it would take some time I would be able to help ease the discomfort of my little boy. That night he slept through the night. The next night he woke up screaming for some unknown reason again but I felt a renewed strength, love and energy. I held him more tenderly and lovingly. I stroked his face with more appreciation of his struggle. If it was possible my love for that little boy increased. I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior heard and continue to hear my prayers and are aware of my struggles....especially at my lowest moments when I feel helpless and alone. Even when I lose faith they never lose faith in me and for that I could not have more gratitude.  I know I will experience many more weeks or months or years of hardship as a mother, it's just the name of the game. But I am so grateful I (Jon & I) will not face them alone.

This is a quote a friend on FB posted and it just sat with me with tremendous truth & wisdom. Will always cherish the words of GBH.