06/05/16:
It's going to be fine. I really think it will be. The golf ball sized lump in my right breast has been there for at least a good six months. It hasn't changed, grown or moved. It's going to be fine. Right? Wait, is it going to be fine? Although my large lump most likely coincides with my milk coming in after Benson was born (I think, I honestly don't remember. Maybe I didn't notice the lump before because I wasn't in the habit of feeling myself up frequently aka boob exam.....yeah I suck at remembering to do those), I would be lying if I didn't state a teeny tiny part of me wasn't nervous for my exam at the gynecologist tomorrow morning. The over logical, over thinking part of me kicks in. It's rate but I know a very small number of women still get breast cancer while breast feeding (it's not the cause but breast feeding usually lowers your risk of breast cancer). Add sleep deprivation on that knowledge and all the sudden I am fretting over the future of my three guys. If it is cancer will I be able to beat it? Will I be here for my kids and Jon? Realistically, I probably won't get any answers tomorrow. Best case scenario, the doc has seen this exact lump before and knows it's a blocked milk duct with a protein plug (because no amount of heat compresses and massage budged the sucker). The more stressful scenario, tests.....blood draws, aspiration, ultrasound, mammogram, biopsy......I know, "Lyss get off the internet! Stop worrying about the unknown!". But if you know me, you know I tend to specialize in stressing about the unknown! And yes I know that completely goes against my logical self. But I have these extra pieces in me......compassion, love, empathy, sympathy, worry, irrationality, straight up emotions......they are driving right now. They are trying to throw my logical self out of the window. They are fast forwarding through multiple scenarios a minute to figure out how to deal with anything and everything (okay maybe they are relying on the logical part of me for the planning). But before I lay my head down on the pillow and proceed to be my Heavenly Father for peace I so desperately need tonight, I will take three deep breaths and put the logical girl back in the driver seat. Wish me luck tomorrow!
Update: 06/06/16
Had the appointment this morning. Unfortunately but expectedly, no definitive answers were given other than it felt too solid to be blocked milk duct. So I was referred for more testing (an ultrasound at the hospital and an aspiration by a general surgeon/breast specialist). On a better note, my doctor is very optimistic based on the mobility of the lump. He hated to make an assumption or diagnosis but you know me, I asked him to give his best go at an diagnosis. He said based on just feeling it......fibroadenomas or a walled off abscess. Now we move on to stage two of diagnostics. So far I have scheduled with the general surgeon/breast specialist (July 7th) and she will perform an aspiration. If it's a cyst the aspiration should deflate it. If what the needle withdraws is solid it will be looked at under a microscope for cancerous cells. If it's an abscess they will likely just drain it. I should be hearing from the hospital in the next couple of days to schedule an ultrasound to get an additional diagnostic look. So that's where things lie as of now. It's weird. I don't feel uneasy or a peace. I feel like my mind and heart are in neutral, numb. I have been trying to stay off Dr. Internet and trust that no matter what happens it will be what is supposed to happen. (but fingers crossed for good things ;))
Update: 07/07/16
Today I finally headed in for the aspiration of my lump. As I sat at the freeway exit......
I could help but think of everything this exit has meant so far. It's the same exit I confirmed my pregnancy with Jaxson at, the hospital he was delivered at, where we were diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility, where I had all four of my IUI's (three failed) with two different doctor offices, where my pregnancy with Benson was confirmed. There is a lot of heart, happiness and heartbreak wrapped up in this stretch of road. So as I sat at the longest light ever, I couldn't help but think what this stretch of road had in store for me today.
Sitting in the waiting room was probably the most scared I have felt in a while. Two lovely women who I could have only assumed had cancer (wearing scarfs on their heads) walked into the room with the assistance of family/friends. My heart broke for them and shuddered for myself. The reality of their situation marked with the unknown of mine, created a fear and perspiration like no other! After waiting about an hour and a gown change later, the doc (Dr. Tittensor) finally made it in. She was sweet and thorough. She examined my lump. She agreed that it felt very solid but wanted to ultrasound it to get a better idea. She was then very shocked when it looked almost fluid like on the ultrasound because of how it felt in the breast. She said we could continue to watch it or aspirate it. I told her to go ahead and jab it with a needle. This is what she found.....
If you are still reading this and wondering.....yes that is breast milk. It was a pocket of breast milk, not a clogged duct, just a pocket of fluid break milk! All anyone could hear coming from that exam room at that point was laughter and happiness. I think about 1000 pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I was okay. I am okay.
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