Will it work? If I avoid infertility anything and everything, will it stop hurting? Lately my life has taken a few different focuses and I haven't been thinking about our infertility. Actually I have been avoiding it like an infectious disease. The disease consists of disappointment, guilt & misery. This avoidance has actually lent to some happiness, superficial as it might be. I don't loathe two and half weeks out of every month. I don't become a puddle with every pregnancy, gender & birth announcement. I have found ways to heal some of my broken parts. Now I rip off my monthly bandaid refusing to think of what it all means (I'm beyond over analytical) and the pain passes quickly. But every once in a while, something sneaks in. A baby cry, a sibling moment, an ache I've tired to push down to the bottom of my everything. It blindsides me and destroys me all at the same time. I'm infected. The disease has found me and it come only for destruction. It takes away the false bliss I have created and reveals the raw and brutal truth I have refused to see. And when it's done shredding everything, it goes dormant, planning and plotting in it's silence. Once again, I try to rebuild my fake, ignorant bliss. At the end if the day, it feels like the only saving grace I have.
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