Trying To Find The Extra Push

After our recent tenth failed cycle (starting 4 days early this time and being too heavy to be implantation. My cycles have been all over the board since we hard core started trying to conceive). I can't help but feel beyond defeated and oh so broken. We have tried OPKs, the every other day method, etc, etc. Jon remains optimistic while my faith in our future baby via pregnancy is wavering. Today I told him I am tempted to put my IUD back in. He was shocked and asked why. And though I wasn't super serious, I tried to explain why I would even consider it. I told him I was so tired of feeling defeated every month, of feeling like a failure, of being angry at myself and my body. I told him I was tired of feeling I had no control over my emotions or my body. I told him it was breaking me. And while people say it can happen when you stop trying, I don't know of a month we have taken a "break" where it wasn't constantly in the back of my mind or right in the fore front of my mind. You never stop thinking about it, or at least I didn't because it "could" happen. But if I put my IUD in, maybe I won't feel like a failure and it won't be my fault anymore because it would be beyond my control and yet in my control. There would be medical intervention stopping a pregnancy and I would know exactly why I wasn't getting pregnant. I want to have the peace of either knowing Jax will be my only child or that it will eventually happen. The not knowing is probably what kills me the most. But unfortunately I am also petrified with going forward with the my fertility testing. I am afraid the knowing will kill me as much as the not knowing.

I have also discovered that trying to conceive is very different for a woman than for a man. For me I take so much more of the responsibility, including the guilt, the heartbreak, the sadness, everything. The sadness comes in random waves. I can hold a sweet babes and feel  love, joy and adoration. I can hear people around me getting pregnant and I am over joyed for them. But then I watch a diaper commercial and I lose it. I can see a box of old baby clothes and lose it. Or it even comes when I am folding Jax's clothes while he naps. I think will this be the last time season I fold this shirt, will he be the last 2 year old I have. The triggers are so weird. And the guilt triggers are even more brutal. Seeing a little boy hold a siblings hand, or kiss a forehead, tears me up no matter what. And I think that's what honestly what I carry heaviest in my heart. I am super close with my sisters and I love that. I wanted that for Jax and it breaks my heart that he might not get the opportunity to experience that. And it kills me because if it turns out that we can't have anymore kids (after we have our diagnostic testing done), the costs of infertility treatments and/or adoption are truly not in our one income family. I am trying so hard to not let this break me, to keep trying, to go through with the fertility testing. I just have to find that extra push.