Finding My Solace

I have always believed everything happens for a reason according to Heavenly Father's plan. That was how I was raised and I have felt my testimony grow in this understanding during certain events in my life. Unfortunately, sometimes anger and pride can pull me away from the things I know. These past almost 8 months have been quite a trial in my life and to my soul. And this month was definitely the most challenging and heart breaking to date. It has taken me to my depths. It was the first month we used a digital ovulation kit to try and conceive so we were feeling pretty confident in my ovulation because we got a big ovulation smiley face. Then a week and a half went by, I started to break out, get crampy (which lasted a week), breast tenderness, nausea, the whole ten yards. When it was 26 days from the first day of my last period, I started to hold my breath (my periods have been between 26 and 28 days for the last 8 months). Then 28 days came and went and I held it harder. At 30 days (2 days late), I took two super cheap-o pregnancy tests, both negative. But I kept holding my breath thinking maybe my HCG levels weren't high enough but also not letting myself get excited. Then 32 days hit (5 days late) and I knew as soon as I woke up. All I kept thinking was really 5 days late and now this....really?! In the past 5 years, I have never been 5 days late (I haven't even ever been more than 2 days late), except when I was pregnant with Jax. Something about it being 5 days and having so many pregnancy symptoms, made it all feel so cruel. All I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and scream. But I got up took care of it, crawled back in bed and had myself a good cry. I kept wondering where my solace was. Then I heard a kick, kick and giggle.....there was a piece of my solace. My perfect little guy and he was waiting for me. I got up, washed my face and held my babes. As I held him, my anger and disappointment started to give way to love and mounds of gratitude for the gift I have in him. I kept thinking if I never have the opportunity to have another baby, I know I have been profoundly blessed with the child I already have. Jax is such a huge part of my solace. His little cheeser smile lights up a room and my heart. His little kisses make my day. And his personality continually astounds and amazes me. He has my heart.
Another part of my solace resides in the Lord. I have been having a hard time finding my solace in him because I have been so angry, feeling like He has been taking something away from me each month. I have felt like I am being punished. But my sister, Shauna, made an excellent point. She said that sometimes things just happen and the Lord is there to help us through it. With that thought I couldn't help but think of my relationship with Jax. I would do anything I could to ease his pain and help him through anything. And I am trying to find my truth that that is how the Lord feels about me. I don't want to be angry or hurt. I want to find peace and solace. And I guess that is why the hymn, "Where Can I Turn For Peace"has been resonating with me so much lately. I need to stop trying to carry this heartbreak, pain and burden alone, like I have been these past 8 months. Because it is breaking me. Every month I break a little more. So now I am making a goal to try and let go of my angry and find my solace in the arms of the Lord. To trust in his tender mercies for me. To find shelter from my storm.

Where Can I Turn For Peace?
1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Also my friend, Lorraine, posted this on Facebook at the exact moment I needed it. It is a good read and has helped my state of mind so much.

This is Shrek the sheep. He became famous several years ago when he was found after hiding out in caves for six years. Of course, during this time his fleece grew without anyone there to shorn (shave) it. When he was finally found and shaved, his fleece weighed an amazing sixty pounds. Most sheep have a fleece weighing just under ten pounds, with the exception usually reaching fifteen pounds, maximum. For six years, Shrek carried six times the regular weight of his fleece. Simply because he was away from his shepherd.
This reminds me of John 10 when Jesus compares Himself to a shepherd, and His followers are His sheep. Maybe it’s a stretch, but I think Shrek is much like a person who knows Jesus Christ but has wandered. If we avoid Christ’s constant refining of our character, we’re going to accumulate extra weight in this world—a weight we don’t have to bear.
When Shrek was found, a professional sheep shearer took care of Shrek’s fleece in twenty-eight minutes. Shrek’s sixty pound fleece was finally removed. All it took was coming home to his shepherd.
I believe Christ can lift the burdens we carry, if only we stop hiding. He can shave off our ‘fleece’—that is, our self-imposed burdens brought about by wandering from our Good Shepherd.
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
This is perfect