Anticipation of Tears

* Forewarning it might be too graphic for some. It uses girly terms :)

Sometimes I hate knowing my body so well. Knowing it to the point where I can anticipate my tears I promised myself I won't cry. This is how my months' anticipation has been going......
Right after possible conception, I am always filled with nothing but hope. I keep thinking, oh there could be baby magic happening in there! :) After almost 7 months of trying I probably shouldn't be, but I naively am. The one time I am not a realist! ;) I start to dream of a sweet little babes that I thought would be apart of our family by now (in the sense of a bump). A week and half goes by and I start to feel some mild cramping and breast tenderness. I get a little excited, convincing myself it's implantation cramping but in the back of my mind I know my body and I start to worry. I keep thinking, no, please, no. My breast tenderness starts to subside as my possible period start draws closer. I keep hoping it will come back. A couple of days later, I start to bleed. I want to convince myself it's late implantation bleed. But soon I can't convince myself of that. I start to plead to my Heavenly Father to save a baby that was never in there. And with that my anticipated tears come, along with a strong dose of heart ache. Then I make peace with the fact that I have known from moment I started to cramp that it wasn't going to happen this month. I so badly wanted it to be this month. I wanted to not feel betrayed by my body.  I wanted all the charting and OPK tests to help this time....and none of it did. I wanted to not feel like a failure. So while knowing my body is a good thing, sometimes anticipating the tears is the worst part.