4 Month Sleep Regression + The 45 Minute Nap Intruder = The Seventh Circle of Hell

I remember when I found out we were finally pregnant with Benson. Two and half years of tears and heartache finally paid off. Elation, excitement, pure happiness can barely begin to describe the emotions that replaced the hurt, confusion and anger. Thoughts of a sweet babes filled my mind in that moment and resided there until he was born. I remember holding him in the hospital and it all feeling so surreal and amazing. It also felt very surreal when they kept bringing him to me from the nursery that first night. Once, twice, three times and then I just asked them to leave him. It was the weirdest thing, my so called sleepy newborn wouldn't not sleep....well would not sleep anywhere but with me. So at the time I gladly accepted the snuggles. I, for sure thought the commotion of the hospital would wear off and my sweet new baby would happily snooze in his port-a-crib.....nope. Okay well he will surely snooze in his swing.....nope. Alright, then the bouncer is our ticket.....nice try! The only place our sweet boy wanted to sleep was on me or next to me. In addition to his annoying sleep preference he also had his days and nights mixed up till the 6th or 7th week of his life. Woof! Thankfully around the time he got his days and nights figured out I was also able to get him to sleep in the bouncer, on top of our bed, next to me. A few weeks after I was able to transition him to a Rock N' Play next to the bed and has resided there for night time since. Only taking naps in his cribs (and crappy naps at that!). Now fast forwarded to when he was a week or so shy of 4 months. He went from sleeping in a few 4 hour stretches at night to waking up every 1-2 (rarely 3) hours at night. This unwelcome event coupled with his crappy 45 minute naps, is close to sending me to the looney bin. Especially after almost 3 weeks of it. It's also where my green picture above comes to play. I try my hardest not to get jealous or envious of others. To remember that everyone has their struggles. That every baby has their hard thing. But then the sleep deprived beast inside me says nope this sucks and nah nah nah other people's babies sleep like a dream and yours don't. And even if they have to sleep train, their babies go to sleep in the first 20 minutes and yours screams for hours. Nah Nah Nah Nah. Yup that inner sleep deprived beast is a butt head! My name is Alyssa and my babies don't sleep. I can do everything right from day one and my babies don't sleep. And guess what, I secretly "hate" all people whose babies do with no or minimal effort. Yup I am horrible person but today let's cut me some slack. My inner beast is raging on 2 hours of sleep.

***And thank goodness for sissers who can see you are totally and completely drowning and come to your house with a Swig drink and cookies and therapeutic chit chat.....that's love and support right there people! :) 

Tiny Moment - A Little Change Here and There

I have noticed the older I get the less trendy I am. I am all about classic clothes, hair, makeup, shoes, etc. In my mind the more classic those items are the less shopping I have to do. Ha! Today I tried to part my hair in the middle (well it was less in the middle than I thought ;)) and curled it a little different and, well......I didn't hate it! I probably won't ever be up on the trendy looks but I'm thinking a little change here and there might not be so bad! :)

Prayer - My Own Garden

I feel in life we are all faced with our own Garden(s) of Gethsemane. Also known as our low of our lows. The trial that strikes at our core.Yes I know I am not Christ and did not and have not taken on the sins of man. However, I believe we all face that trial in this mortality causing us to plead, to beg for it to be taken, to emotionally and spiritually bleed from our pores. We feel insufficient, defeated. We just know God has overestimated our strength, our endurance because there is no way we can persevere, let alone prevail. The past two and half years and counting have been my Gethsemane. I have begged and pleaded for this cup to be taken. I have hit my lowest of lows. I have yelled at my Savior and Heavenly Father. I have even questioned their concern and love for me. I have questioned everything and anything, just trying to relieve some of the pain I have felt. To stop feeling like the walls are closing in, that my faults are crushing me and the waves of babies I think I will never have are drowning me. I have waded and lived in my Garden. Trying to not let it break me in a way I can't come back from.

The other night I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. I recently started following a sweet family, whose daughter had massive seizures due to her undiagnosed juvenile diabetes (from what I understand), causing major brain damage. They are currently chronicling her recovery and its an extremely daunting one but the family is absolutely amazing. The father of the family wrote an entry on prayer which resonated so deeply with me. I don't pretend to compare my situation with theirs. I can't imagine the pain and grief they have and currently experience watching their child go through such agony.  I do believe our words can aid others and be applicable in so many contexts and am beyond grateful for his. Anyways, this father talks about his desires to pray to the Lord. He speaks to line between the Lord's will and his own. He goes on to quote Matthew 26:39 "And he went a littler further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O Father, it be possible, let this cup pass from me; never less not as my will, but as thou wilt". This scripture is Christ speaking to Heavenly Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ having full knowledge of our Father's plan and His own role in said plan, still pled unto Heavenly Father to consider another path but ultimately accepted the Father's will. One thing in life which has always contended with my soul is the line between His will and my own. We were blessed with free will, right? However, we are also asked to seek after the Lord's will. I tend to be very analytical, yet I continually march to the beat of my own drum. From a young age, I have questioned and examined the world around me. As general rule this has gained me answers, deeper faith and a firmer foundation. These past two and half years have challenged everything down into my core. My purpose, my faith, my faults, my everything. Satan has seen fit to attempt digging into every crevasse of concern, doubt and painI have every felt and feel at this moment. There have been moments of relief and solace but the mistrust I have found within myself has been my own worst enemy. It brought questioning to the reception of the spirit and the message it brings. Was it an answer to prayer or my own desire?  I can look back and see when I have unintentionally mismanaged an heavenly answer but only in hindsight. Like I said I am living in my own "Garden of Gethsemane". And in that Garden, I have prayed nightly for the past couple of weeks, I have laid in bed and prayed to know what to pray for. While I believe God answers prayers and miracles exist in this world, I also believe they are not predicated on faith alone. They must also be granted on his timeline and according to His will and desired path for our life. So when I lay in bed at night all I want to do is pray for this month's cycle to work out, to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want to bribe Heavenly Father with promises of good behavior and future selfless acts. I want my desire, heart ache and faith in Him to be enough for my prayers to be answered. However, I know I can plead with the Lord till I'm blue in the face but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Trust me, I have been there too many months to count. I don't doubt that He hears me, that He inspires those along my path to help and assist me and my family, that He cries with me, that He holds my soul in his fatherly embrace, that He sends extra angels to stay with me. But it does not change His plan for me and my family and that is a hard truth to swallow. Blind faith has been a constant struggle for me. I'm a realist. I'm analytical. I need to make sense of the world around me. Everything has it's place. That's how I view the world but unfortunately not all things work out that way. This infertility challenge has stretched and broken me in so many ways. It has cause a reality check in more than one way. And it has rocked my faith. I am finding my way, slowly. I know my Savior will not leave me. He will stay with me, in my Garden. And how grateful I am for that.

Tiny Moment - Shoes!

So excited! I haven't gotten new work out shoes in 5 years or something!!! Loving these new kicks and I'm excited to put these to good use :) Wish me luck :)

Could Denial Work?

Will it work?  If I avoid infertility anything and everything, will it stop hurting? Lately my life has taken a few different focuses and I haven't been thinking about our infertility. Actually I have been avoiding it like an infectious disease. The disease consists of disappointment, guilt & misery. This avoidance has actually lent to some happiness, superficial as it might be. I don't loathe two and half weeks out of every month. I don't become a puddle with every pregnancy, gender & birth announcement. I have found ways to heal some of my broken parts. Now I rip off my monthly bandaid refusing to think of what it all means (I'm beyond over analytical) and the pain passes quickly. But every once in a while, something sneaks in. A baby cry, a sibling moment, an ache I've tired to push down to the bottom of my everything. It blindsides me and destroys me all at the same time. I'm infected. The disease has found me and it come only for destruction. It takes away the false bliss I have created and reveals the raw and brutal truth I have refused to see. And when it's done shredding everything, it goes dormant, planning and plotting in it's silence. Once again, I try to rebuild my fake, ignorant bliss. At the end if the day, it feels like the only saving grace I have.

The Lord's Timeline/Will or Imperfections of the Natural Man

Infertility is a tricky beast. No if's, and's, or but's about it. It strikes to the core of every infertile couple and woman. Especially women who believe they are divinely ordained to be mothers (to preface, yes I know having biological children is not the only way to be a mother). I remember when I was nineteen and received my Patriarchal blessing. I waited a little longer in life (it's typical to get it in your early teens) because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what the Lord wanted for me. I definitely wasn't ready when I was younger. I was too angry to ever want to concede maybe the Lord knew me better than I know myself. As I got older, a desire grew to understand a path that would be blessed by Heavenly Father upon my righteousness. At this point I still believed I would have it all, a career, a husband, children, a nanny, all of it. Upon hearing the words of my blessing my world changed. While receiving an education was encouraged in my blessing, I was instructed to be at home, to raise my children on a daily basis. It knocked the preverbal wind out of me. I cried. I cried so hard. I was not pleased with the plan the Lord had for me. I needed to go out and conquer "the world". The life in my blessing, was not the life I had envisioned. I prayed so hard after I received my blessing to understand the Lord's will for my life. After much prayer, study and contemplation I felt such an overwhelming confirmation of the Lord's plan for me. He provided so much comfort and so much love in that confirmation. I kept getting the feeling that I would affect the world in ways I couldn't fully comprehend.  I then set my life on a course to align with my blessing. I worked on my spirituality, my education, loving myself as a person. I got married (even though that took 5 more years to get there....that was because of me....fighting the Lord on the plan and against my story of being from a divorced family), then we had Jax. But then everything felt like it came to a screaming halt! We couldn't get pregnant with a second child. I kept thinking....what? why? This was the plan. This was my blessing. I am being faithful. I am trying to live right. Why is the Lord withholding the blessing of a second child? I am still living with these questions as we progress on this infertility journey. But trying to view them with faith. Trying to remember the Lord's blessings, happen on His timeline and not mine. Remembering that whether we have a second child in this life or the next, my blessing has already happened and will increase with time.....the Lord's time.

Forgiving & Forgetting

Trying to be a good person defeats me at times! For me, it's far easier to forgive than forget. I have forgiven a lot of the ignorant and straight up dumb things people have done or said regarding our fertility struggles. And let me tell you, there have been a lot and continue to be a lot....like a lot. Those are the phrases that paralyze when I cry myself to sleep for the fifth night this week. Those are the phrases and moments Satan repeats in my head over and over again. Those are the phrases and interactions, I have forgiven but can't seem to forget. Maybe one day, I will learn to forgive and FORGET. Tonight I just pray that forgiving is enough and I have forgotten enough to sleep.

Gratitude

Today during church the sacrament talks centered on gratitude. As I sat there I felt guilty. I haven't felt much gratitude in the past while. In fact, I have been turning into a nasty, bitter lady. After the last talk, our bishop got up and said something that resonated with me, "There is power in being grateful. By being grateful for what we are given, miracles can happen". While I don't know what my miracle will be, I do have faith in that statement. I also believe that miracles are not always what we expect or when we expect. So for today moving forward, I will try and center my life and self around gratitude and pray a "miracle" is still in store for the Conleys. :)

Having It All Together

Do you ever look at a stranger in public (let's say Target, haha I swear in that store all the moms have their crap together :)) and think wow, that chick has it all together? I do. I see this stranger perfectly dressed, with immaculate curls in their hair (that I can't master on my best day), make up done to the T and their children looking and acting just as "perfect". I am sure they are not perfect. I know no one is and no life is but it's still so hard as I stand there in my sweatpants and greasy hair trying to remember that. Today I glanced in my rear view mirror and I decided I looked okay, even somewhat put together. Someone might see in me in the store and think that lady has it together (haha maybe not!). However, the truth is far from that. The truth is, it's my third day of DRY shampoo, I was wearing sweatpants and an inside out sweatshirt 2 minutes before I walked out the door and I exchanged that for a shirt with a hole in the underarm but didn't realize it did till I was 10 minutes away from our house. My pants fit way too tight because I suck at working out these days. And my child still has lunch on his face post nap! I realized sitting there, my "put together" had nothing but holes. It was a good reminder to me, things are usually not what they seem. There are cracks and craters in "perfection" and we need to be careful of how we treat ourselves and others. Even if it's your 10th time at Costco in sweatpants, no make up and pony tail.....that's okay! That's great! You made it out of the house and braved the store with kids. And if you seem someone who is "perfect" remember there are always cracks and smile in kindness because no one and no life is perfect. At the end of the day, we all doing this mommy dance together, just trying to keep our head above water. :)

Tiny Moment - Mom Fail (Jax's Bumps Appointment One)

(Picture of a mom who had a fail today!!!! Ahhhhhh)

So Jax has had little bumps on his stomach and arms for a little over a month and half.  I thought maybe it was a flare up on folliculitis and just red from the heat. Jon mentioned a couple of times that maybe it was time to have them looked at. In the busy of summer I just kind of brushed it off. Finally the bumps started to spread quite rapidly, I decided it was time to get an appointment. I was told he contracted molluscum contagiosum. It's like a cousin to warts and usually contracted in a pool. The doctor said once he is treated and beats it, his immune system will have built up a great immunity to it and he shouldn't get it again. He will probably need 2 to 3 treatments, which is such a bummer for him. Today he had the first treatment and this is how it looked when it was time to wash on the solution.  

After the treatment (belly)

After the treatment (arm)

Learning From Esther

My visiting teachers came over today and shared this video with me. I couldn't help but tear up as I watched it. It amazed me to see the way Esther's use of courage was related to finding courage in our latter day. We all have trials and challenges and we can choose how we meet them. I hope I can learn to face them more like Esther. 

"Just because I'm brave doesn't mean that I'm not afraid...brave is acting in faith."

Sometimes I Just Want To Give Up

Did you know moms are given a super power when their children are born? It is the power of never giving up. Of fighting for your children when you literally have nothing left to give, when your tank feels empty. It is an amazing super power. It gives a sleep deprived mom the strength to get up for that last feeding of the night. Or sooth their teething baby for the millionth hour of the never ending day. It allows us to kiss every boo-boo even when they are invisible. To nurse their kiddos back to health when all they want is their own mom and to puke in peace. Like I said its a pretty amazing super power. This past month I have had to dig deep in my mommy super power because I so want to be done. I want to be done trying to have a second baby. I want to be done worrying, crying, tormenting myself over and over again, month after month. I want to stop stressing about the things I can't change or control. I want to be DONE. Unfortunately I know as a mom, that's not an option. I know that I have to keep fighting for my boy to have a sibling. I have to keep fighting for my future child (/children). So while I feel empty in my heart and body feels beaten down, I know my mommy superhero power will keep up the fight.....

For this little face.....

And more of these little moments.......

Nothing Left

I am a worry wort by nature. Always have been (from like a crazy young age, as young as I can remember) and probably always will be. When I became a mom, it just kicked up a few notches. As a mom I think there is a tendency to worry about not giving enough. Wondering if we are extending enough patience, love, unconditional love, tough love, understanding, motivation, silliness, fun, heart, etc., etc. Literally the list could go on. These are the things that keep me and probably every other mom up at night. Will I wake up in 15-20 years and wish I had done it all differently? I have worried about that since the day Jax was born. And I feel like with each new stage of life, we take on news concerns/worries, I call them my worry layers. With our struggle to have another child, I feel like that has added a plethora of worry layers. I worry because so much of me is consumed with having another child, the one I already have feels it. I worry sometimes he feels the weight of my world. I worry as hard as I try I will never be able to give him a sibling. I worry that Jax might not feel like he was enough because we fought so hard for another child. I worry and worry and worry and try to give to compensate for my concerns. As of late, this results in feeling like I only have mounting worries and nothing left to give. Nothing left in my tank. And this is where I am at lately. Scraping the bottom of my tank, trying to find everything to give to Jax and to our infertility, to Jon, to my friends and family. And I know I am falling short at every turn. I know I could be better and try harder. So I have to find ways to fill my tank back up, to shed my worry layers, to be the better version of me. Because like I quote I read recently so eloquently stated, "Worrying will never change the outcome". I need to get back to the days of being strategically proactive and finding my balance in this world. 

Tiny Moment - Trying Something New

Yay for trying new recipes with eating healthy. This recipe is super easy too! One full egg, one full bananas. Mash and mix, spread and cook. Easy peasy! :) 

Looking kind of funky!

Once I flipped it over it definitely looked more like a pancake!

Added a little strawberries and natural maple syrup. Looks pretty delish!

So they are definitely not regular pancakes but for healthy egg/banana pancakes they are pretty dang GOOD! Cheers to trying something new! 

Mother's Day

First of all let me say Happy Mother's day to all the wonderful and amazing women in my life. I truly believe it doesn't take birthing a child to make you a mom and I know so many women that are natural mothers and nuturers, with and without children. All of these women are such amazing examples and so uniquely gifted in their roles as "mothers" and I admire them all so individually. I am especially grateful for my own mom. She has been my constant throughout my life and such a great example. For quite a few years during my teenager time, it was just me and my mom and I'm grateful for the special bond that time created. She is my cheerleader, my support. She has been an amazing example of unconditional love and patience. For me, I have always been grateful for my mom, but having Jax has shed new light on the personal sacrifice of a mother's time, talents, sanity, etc. etc. Motherhood for me has also shown the love that a mother feels for her child. I am so grateful for the love my mom has for me and how it has guided her and myself through this life and our relationship. I am grateful for the divine mother and daughter relationship and I hope my mom knows how much I value and love her!

So onto my personal Mother's day. As I write this post, it's about 10:45pm on Mother's Day 2013 and to be very honest I am feeling very challenged in my role as a mother at this point in my life. And honestly I feel a little guilty saying that and saying it on Mother's day!!! :( I so wanted to echo my Mother's day post from last year (Mother's Day 2012). I was so grateful for the opportunity to be Jax's mom and filled with joy. But I also want to real to the record of my life and our life as a family! And right now my experience as a mom is not rainbows and butterflies most days and that's okay. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful Heavenly Father has given me the sacred responsibility of being Jax's mom.  However, this week has been the week from h*** and today was no different!!! My child has been overtired, disobedient, defiant, unruly, sassy, mean and just a plain brut! Not to mention he is going through a major dadda phase, which I used to kind of love. However the phase has gone from preferring Jon to just plain not liking me and crying when I hold him (to his defense this is only when Jon is around) and fighting me to get down. Kind of sad to admit, but the truth of our little world right now. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually exhausted. Now that I have had my PATHETIC mommy pity party, I can say I love my boy more than life itself. He can throw a million tantrums, dislike me a million days in a row, fight me at every turn and I will still love him more than he will ever know. I guess that's the irony of motherhood. They can be just plain mean and we love them all the same. We still pray for them, cry for them, plead for guidance for them, probably even more so during the hardships of motherhood. Even though Jax is a challenge for me as a mother right now, I wouldn't trade him on his worst day (although I might tell Jon different!). He encourages me to grow, to be more loving, patient, kind, supportive. I know because of him, I am becoming a better person as such as I dislike the growing pains on some days. I am thankful that every day is a new day to do better as his mom and to help Jax progress in this life. I am grateful for the sweet moments I have with my boy. The tiny kisses, the kisses blown, the smirks, the high fives, the bumps, the cuddles, the hugs, the dance parties, the bath time splashes, the bubbles chased, the water dumped, the giggles, the running (bouncing), the new things learned and so much more. At the end of each day the classic saying holds true, while being a mom is the HARDEST job in the world, it's also the BEST.

We have decided Jax is going through a Sour Patch kid phase. Please see below :)

He is sour then sweet.....story of his life! 

I have to give credit to my sweet love of a husband and sweet bubs. They really did give me some great Mother's day moments. I was able to sleep in (not going to lie, Jon lets me sleep in a lot do his scheduled with work! ;) I'm a lucky lady). And then I was woken up be the cutest little alarm clock busting through the door. He brought me this card (I think his dadda help him pick it out! Pretty dang funny and I love the message inside) and some treats......

And Jon brought me some waffles a little later. After that Jax went down for a nap and then it was off to church when he woke up. Unfortunately it was a rough nursery day so he ended up with me and we both ended up in the library chatting with our friends Crystal & Matt (which is always fun!). After church Jax and I went outside to play bubbles and kick his balls around and my super sweet Jon did the dishes. Then it was off to Jon's brother's home for dinner with his two brothers, their cute families and Jon's parents for mother's day/May birthday dinner. Jax was heaven because there was a trampoline, piano, chickens and little people chasing him around. After dinner we headed home for another "wonderful" bedtime and after 45 minutes of screaming he finally fell asleep! Then Jon and I RELAXED! Yay! :)

Happy Mother's Day! :) :) :) 

Body Image

The dreaded phrase....body image! I have never had the healthiest of body image nor the most unhealthy. Thankfully I never struggled to the point of an eating disorder and I so feel for those that have. But I have struggled with my body image being very closely tied to my self worth and I hate that! (*Advisory: Please know that my parents always expressed being beautiful inside and out, this is my issue) If I gain 5 or 10 pounds (pregnancy extempt, well I guess just my first pregnancy. How I feel about the others could be a crab shoot), I start to get this cloud around me. At first, I have a hard time putting my finger on it. I think am I stressed about something, am I forgetting something, did I say something to offend someone, did someone say something I took offense to. I think and think about it and then I remember I am 5 to 10 pounds heavier than I feel good about and bingo the cloud makes sense.  This nasty cloud that I unfortunately allow tears into my self worth at every angle. I suddenly become a horrible wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I can't do anything right. Now I know to most this is craziness and completely illogical. How can carrying 5-10 extra pounds affect me like this? And the answer is.....I have no idea! Nothing inside me has changed. No one finds less worth in me, except for me! I know that Heavenly Father doesn't base my value on my looks or weight, as no one in my life who knows or cares about me does either. But I sit and look at my rolls and pudginess. I feel discouraged and shed tears as I put on my garments or clothes and they are tight everywhere they used to be loose. I just feel sad and I let that cloud surround me. This lady was born a self-beater. So if something is not going accordingly, I find the fault in myself and I expose it and pick at it. I make that 5-10 pounds into 100 pounds in my mind, which still shouldn't change the way I feel about my self worth. Thankfully, even though the pounds haven't gone away the feeling is usually not constant and I get some relief from the mental self-beating. I guess this post is just a vent if nothing else because I am carrying that nasty extra 5-10 pounds (for no reason other than mommy laziness - I used to go to the gym 5+ times a week before I had Jax! Being a mom and finding the energy and time (coordinating with Jon's crazy schedule) has been more of a task than I was prepared for). The post is also a good reminder for me to work on separating my weight from my worth (let's just add it to my HUGE Lyss improvement list!).