A Little Different This Time Around

Well....Hmmmmmmm where to start!?!?! Body image is one of those things that doesn't tend to get easier with age or experience, well at least not for me. I've been trim and pretty fit, I've been heavy and a little lumpy (for my liking and frame) and a lot of in between. Before I got married I was in the best shape I had ever been in. I worked out 5 days a week and ate almost completely clean, with the occasional treat. After I got married, I gained a little marriage weight over the first almost two years. Then I decided to get healthy and got in pretty amazing shape. Shortly after we got pregnant with Jaxson. I was very strict with myself and exercised almost the entire time and ate pretty dang healthy. I ended up gaining a little shy of 30 pounds during the pregnancy. Once I had Jax (who was 8 pounds 3 ounces), I lost all my pregnant weight by my six week appointment and was 5 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months. For me the weight loss was almost completely from nursing, for which I was eating a massive amount of food, in addition to some random work out sessions. After Jax weaned, my awesome figure slowly (without my really recognizing it) gained some weight back. Mainly because I kept eating like I was nursing. Right around that time we started to struggle with unexplained secondary infertility. I began to eat my sad and gained more weight. Over the next 2 and half years, I probably ended up putting on about an extra 10 pounds. Once we finally got pregnant, I was about 10 pounds over my normal and 15 over my oh-la-la super trim and fit weight and in a so-so work out routine. But there was no way I was going to be mad at my body. I was finally pregnant! It definitely ended up being a pretty different pregnancy. I was chasing around Jax and grabbed food here and there and working out was far more optional. This time I have no idea how much I gained as I faced away from the scale at my doctor check ups but at my 37 week appointment the nurse said my gain weight was under 25 pounds. I was pretty excited about that! Once I delivered Benson (who was 7 pounds 12 ounces), my weight started to melt off again and I was super excited. Nursing, which didn't come as easy as last time, but it was paying off! However at about 4 weeks my weight loss plateaued and I started to gain and have pretty much not stopped gaining since then. I'm not going to lie......nursing still makes me hungry ALL the time and I'm not eating healthy (I didn't either when I was nursing Jax). Usually I'm grabbing whatever is around and let's be honest if there is a treat I'm going to eat it.....chocolate makes my world go round because I have a baby who likes to eat every 3 hours around the clock and 4 year old who pops an attitude with only me!  Honestly, there is nothing more I would like to do than a HARDCORE slim down but that doesn't work with breastfeeding, especially this go around (I have been having SO many issues nursing this time). I am trying to remember that even though I shared my body for 9 months, the sharing is not over until nursing is over. A part of me wants to scream and cry because my body does not feel like my own right now. There are lumps, bumps and bulges I have never seen before. I hate wearing real clothes and avoid any and all pictures. Truly and seriously, this has probably been the worst I have struggled with my body image. Don't get me wrong, the gratitude I feel for my body to have had my boys is unexplainable. I know both of them are miracles in their own right and my body had a huge part in that. However, I'm still constantly torn between gratitude and frustration. One good thing to come out of my current struggle is now I understand both sides of post pregnancy with nursing.....the weight melting off and gaining weight while nursing. My empathy and love for other mothers and women has only expanded. So for now I will take deep breaths, try to be kind to my amazing body that made two beautiful boys, feed it a little healthier than the day before and move forward. 

Week of Moments - 04.24 to 04.30

04.24

Pretty sure these two lovies get all the heart eyes in the world! They are not only handsome but oh so sweet.......well most of the time! 

04.25

I love that when Benson wants to lay down he will do exactly that, even when I have sat him up on the couch. Love this little lushy determined soul. 

04.26

 

I tell my boys this all the time, "I baked those cheekers and now I get to smooch them all I want" ;)

Love hanging out with my little artist! He is so creative and loves to express himself. I especially love that his people have twenty arms and twenty legs ;). 

04.27

I love this little monkey and never miss an opportunity to capture a moment with him. 

04.28

Today our rocks for the flower beds were delivered and let's just say there are A LOT of them! But I know we will be really excited when its all done. Yay for a lot less weeds!  

After helping with rocks mister Jax finally did enough extra chores to earn a super hero. New super hero day is ALWAYS a HAPPY day! 

This little stinkers still doesn't want to roll over. He loves to roll side to side but that's about it besides the accidental roll over and he gets super bugged afterwards. 

Little mister always wants all the washcloths. But he's real cute, especially during tubby time, so I might indulge him in that! 

04.29

This smiley boy has my heart! He has to stop growing up so I can snuggle him forever! 

Even though him not taking his naps consistently is slowly driving me nuts, I will take the snuggles. 

Let's talk about how the struggle to lose the baby weight is REAL! I want to lose the weight but I also really want to eat treats.....like all the time! Having a sweet babes that kind of sucks at sleeping and treats keep me sane. So I will continue to live the struggle, ha! :) 

04.30

I'm dying because this little boy has red in his hair! Love my little red ;) 

It's official popsicle season! 

Little mister discovered bath letters and he is a FAN! 

Another week of ragged mommy survival-hood in the books. So grateful for these boys. Oh how they challenge me and encourage me to grow. I am grateful for their patience and forgiveness because I'm far from a perfect parent. But my love for them......that's pretty close to perfect. :) 

Bens is 5 Months!

Bring on the tissues. Pretty sure the ugly cry with the big tears is coming.....my babes is 5 months! How in the world did that happen?!?! Pretty sure I'm not okay with him growing up, let alone him growing up so fast!!! But as always it's amazing to see him grow, progress and come into his own. 

Here is a little bit about mister Benson! He still has a very sweet, happy disposition but has no problem letting us know when he's not happy. His little smile literally lights up the entire room. I dare you to not smile when he does.....I'm pretty sure it's impossible! His dimples definitely seal the smiling deal. In general he is a really happy little guy. We enjoy a lot of smiles, giggles and squeals from his little self. He very much enjoys his feet, well his left one for the most part. For the past few weeks only the left one has existed but he has finally made peace with there being two feet and he's pretty happy about finding a spare. He is turning into quite the fish in the tubby. He loves to kick and slap his hands. He also likes to catch the water from the strainer, in addition to doing his surprise face and big smiles. Sucking on the washcloth has also become a fast favorite in the tub but we are trying to get him to stop trying to drink the bath water....yuck! He loves his people and their kisses. I love that he tries to reciprocate kisses with an open mouth return when you kiss him and he has the best giggles when you burrow and kiss neck crease. It doesn't hurt that he is the most kissable baby with the most kissable cheeks and is ticklish everywhere. He has really started to like his toys and has a few favorites (Fred, the Manhattan toy). He loves when you sing to him, pretty sure he doesn't even care what you sing.....he just loves singing.  He has also perfected his little old man face, with his little lip tucked in and a "mmmboop" sound effect. He has changed his mind about being mad during diaper changes and lotion time. He enjoys both a lot now, especially diaper changes. So instead of screaming and crying, I usually get a big ole' smile when I change a poopy diaper. He loves to play his floor gym, sit in his bumbo and go crazy in his jumperoo. He gets some serious air in the jumperoo after about a week's practice. He is finally sleeping in his crib for naps and night time! (well he usually ends up in our bed between 5am-7am. I kind of love the extra cuddles) Wahoo! He is still up about every 4 hours every night which is a little exhausting for his mommy. But he is so dang cute when I go in to feed him. He usually gives me huge smiles because he is naughty for being up again and he knows it! He also likes to snuzzles in face when he sleeps, which I love hate. He is fascinated with Jax and loves when he interacts with him and Jax has definitely started to take an interest in him which is so sweeet!!!!! He is momma's boy for sure but adores his dadda big time. He is getting really close to sitting up all on his own and usually can for a few seconds before falling in any which direction. He still spits up quite a bit which has really put a hinderance on tummy time and by association rolling in either direction. We are slowly working on it but he does love to roll side to side especially if there are toys to be played with. Bens is a big fan of the TV and we have face him away from it when Jax watches it because he loves it a little too much. He still hates the car and being strapped in his car seat more than anything on this earth. There is usually a crescendo of screaming bloody murder to make sure we all know it (it's the one thing that drives Jaxson absolutely bonkers! I pretty much block it out for the most part.....of mommy powers!).

All and all, this little guy is such a bundle of joy and happiness. We are so blessed to call him ours forever and are grateful for his wonderful spirit in our home! Happy 5 months Bens! We love you the most-est kiddo! 

Benson at Birth, 1 Month, 2 Months, 3 Month, 4 Month

Jaxson at 5 Months