A New Kind of Sad

While failing to get pregnant on our own for 15 cycles has been devastating, having our first IUI fail has brought a new kind of sad. The arrival of my actual cycle came with the same amount of grief, guilt and heartache as usual. However, this cycle was also came with worry, fear and far more doubt that we will ever have another child. The IUI procedures are the end of the line for us right now. Being a one income family puts certain constraints on how far we are able to go to get this baby. While IUIs have been budgeted for and partially covered by our insurance, the cost of IVF is beyond our reach and also not provided any covered by our insurance. That is where the additional new kind of sad comes from. If future IUIs don't work, we will remain a family of three. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my little family more than anyone could ever fathom, but it has long felt that a piece of our forever is missing. A sibling for Jax, a son or daughter for Jon and I, a little piece of our family puzzle. So with another loss under our belt we have decided to take a month or so off of fertility treatments to regroup and relieve some of the pressure we put on our selves. Tonight I will indulge in a huge bowl of ice cream, cry way too many tears, let myself feel any and all feelings I have and figure out a way to move forward. And lastly I will pray for mercy. For relief from the heartache, guilt, fear, regret, uncertainty, everything. I will pray for peace.

Tiny Moment - Mater Mosh Pit

Whenever Jax watches Mater Tall Tales and it gets the heavy metal Metal tale, Jax goes nuts and mosh pits.......it's awesome! Looks like we have a little rocker :) 

Tiny Moment - Love Cousin Time

This was pretty cute.....

And this was even cuter!......

He loves his peeps! :)

Tiny Moment - Why Does My Baby Think He Is Three or Something!?!?

He needs to stop growing up!!! For reals!!! He thinks he is such a big boy in so many ways, so I am savoring the few baby things he still does. :) 

Tiny Moment - Charlie Brown Budha Belly

Yup, the title says it all.....my little guy is my Charlie Brown Budah belly boy :) 

Tiny Moments - Learning to Tubby Fish

Someone loves his newly acquired "skill" of tubby fishing :) Makes him a happy boy and a somewhat drier tubby time. 

Tiny Moment - "Reading" to Mom

I adore when this boy "reads" to me :) 

Tiny Moment - Mango Love

This kid loves mango juice.....a lot!!! 

Tiny Moment - Melt

Seriously......these are the best moments! 

Tiny Moment - Wrong Side of the Bed

Someone might have woken up on the wrong side of bed. I asked him what he wanted for breakfast, cereal or oatmeal. He said cereal, so I got it ready and then he lost his stuff...ughh! Oatmeal somewhat fixed the attitude problem...

Well and extra cuddles with his binks. 

Then the beast returned shortly when I told him he couldn't watch Cars (& yes we do keep the Cars DVD on top of the fridge. We need to find a new hiding place!).....so nap for him! Mommy only plays the grumpy game for so long! :) 

*thankfully the nap helped and he was a much happier version of himself when he woke up. Thank goodness! 

Secondary Infertility

Before we started trying for a second child, the thought of not being able to conceive quickly or at all never crossed my mind. I assumed that because we conceived so easily with Jaxson, we would have no problem the second time around. I was a mom and I knew that was my purpose for this season in my life, so I figured it would just happen. Now we are 16 cycles into trying to conceive and have received the official diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility. This diagnosis represents two separate challenges for me.

Unexplained
I hate this diagnosis. Now I know it could be worse. I have healthy tubes, a nice shaped uterus and good & healthy egg count. But for a lady who likes to know everything and fix it, it's a rough one. It doesn't mean that there isn't a problem, it just means that modern science is struggling for an exact diagnosis. So for now, we are in the place we are in with no explanation or end in sight. Grrrrrrrr.

Secondary
A lot of people assume because I have one child, infertility shouldn't be as hard on me as I take it. I have one child and I should find gratitude in this as some are not this fortunate.....or at least that it is what I am constantly told. This is a hard one for people to understand and I get it, well to extent. I am on the other side now, so my perspective is completely different now. I live every day with a piece of our family missing. A sibling for Jax, a son or daughter for Jon and I. There is a hole in our life and family and it is felt deeply. Yes, I have immense gratitude for Jaxson and the fact I was able to conceive him and have him be apart of our family, however that doesn't erase the yearning for another child.

So while we have our diagnosis, it doesn't help us with our treatment plan. We will continue to play darts in the dark to see what works. Well that and pray a lot!

Tiny Moment - What a Guy's Guy Knows :)

A guy's guy knows all about comedy :) This little guy makes me laugh and smile pretty much all day, every day.

A man's man knows how to work on cars. Well this almost looks like he working under a car but in reality he is looking at stickers stuck underneath the table. Loves him some stickers, especially Cars stickers. :)

A guy's guy knows how to look handsome without being in your face.....nailed it! 

A guy's guy, knows his way on a race track. 

(PS this is best little track and battery operated cars by Kidoozle, found it on Amazon)

A guy's guy knows how to build :) 

Love my little guy's guy! :) 

Tiny Moment - Spring Is On Its Way!!! Yay!!!!

Yay for spring!!! I know Utah is just teasing us and winter is not over and I don't care! I will take it! Happy sunny days are the best and the bubs emphatically agrees! :) And a sunny, semi warm day calls for a trip to the park.

It takes us a while to get to the park, especially when we find doggies everywhere! This boy, oh how he loves a doggie :) And if it wasn't a dog, it was a kid he had to stalk. Love him :)

Finally at the park. Walking up the fishes' back......all by himself!

Going down his favorite slide, the super high spiral. He has a need for speed!

On the big boy swing! He immediately wanted off. He can't go as high or fast and that was no bueno for him.

Jax made the cutest little friend (in the green shirt. I cut her out of the picture because I feel weird posting pics of other peep's kids without really knowing them). They decided to find a bar and swing off of it. Yes that my two year old swinging off the edge! :)

In his fav swing. Shockingly he wanted out to go slide. That never happens! I usually have to coerce him to get out! 

Wanted to climb everything because he is a big boy ;) 

Jax pushing the baby swing because mom was done and wanted to go home :) Every party has a pooper! :)

Tiny Moment - Super Hero Hair Cut

Haircuts are WORK at our house. Someone is not a fan! They usually take both Jon and I and something good on Netflix. It also doesn't help that we finally got a haircutting cape! No more itchy hairs. And it doesn't hurt that it's a super hero one ;). 

Tiny Moment - Semi Trucks Say What?!? You Don't Have To Smile ;)

Need I say more ;) 

Tiny Moment - We Love Stickers

Stickers are usually a daily thing at our house. Once Jax picks one out, they either go on my hand, his hand, his head or my furniture! ;) Definitely a love/hate relationship with stickers! ;) 

Tiny Moment - Cuter In Jammies

I don't know what it is but little terrors are so much cuter in jammies. Especially onesie jammies! I want to kiss all over that cute little face!!! :) Oh wait, I did! 

Tiny Moments - Really?!? Again?!?!?

This kid thinks anything with a pump is hilarious! Jokes on him....the pump lock is on! :) 

Tiny Moments - Scary

Lately everything has been scary for the bubs. Here is usually how it goes down. 

So scary.

Really, really scary.

Okay maybe it's a little less scary.

Or not scary at all! :) 

Yay! Scary part over :)

Secretly kind of loving this stage ;) 

Tiny Moment - My Newest Weakness

Oh yesser.....Granny Sickamore white bread and Nutella.......so, so, so, so, so, so yummy. Did I mention this is yummy?!!? And if you don't believe me, ask my 4 year old niece, Lola. We both dream of this treat! :) 

Tiny Moment - Stop It

Oh no! Is this really my sweet baby mimicking his mean mommy?!?!? ApparentlyI say "stop it" far too much and in the meanest voice ever. So sad!! Time to switch up the parenting! :) 

Tiny Moment - Its Coming

This afternoon's activity consisted with Jaxson chasing me with his train saying its coming, its coming and cracking up so hard he could barely keep his balance. Love this tipsy, giggle boy of mine. 

Tiny Moment - Why Not

Because who doesn't need to have their toothbrush in their mouth for hours without actually brushing. Don't worry this including every errand of the day today :)

Tiny Moment - Oh CRAP!!!

*Fingers crossed, he has only been doing this after nap time when the light is on and I'm in there. Hopefully it stays this way for a WHILE! :) 

Tiny Moment - A Day of Tiny Moments

I love when I take the time, slow down and look for the tiny moments with Jax. Because when I do that I find a million moments with this kid. He is a wild one but an awesome kind of wild that makes him one of kind and super amazing!....

Play doh usually ends up this way ;) 

This boy loves the vacuum! And I have no idea why. He loves to be chased by it, to charge it like a bull and to push it around. 

Putting him to work!

He kept chasing me with the vacuum saying, "It's coming, it's coming momma". I was running around, busting a gut.

This is what happens when Jaxson doesn't want to finish his lunch....melt down city! Needless to say, someone went down for a nap following this picture.

Jaxson loves when we build a "tent" over his crib after nap time. 

My silly boy :)

Loving and tackling his lovies.

Oh this smile,,, :)

This boy :)

We scored at the library! When we find a McQueen book, it's better than gold! 

Happy, happy, happy boy :) = happy, happy, happy momma

He read the book the whole time we did errands and had to take it into every store. I love when this happens. :)

Love the slow down days.......and my little guy :)