A New Kind of Sad

While failing to get pregnant on our own for 15 cycles has been devastating, having our first IUI fail has brought a new kind of sad. The arrival of my actual cycle came with the same amount of grief, guilt and heartache as usual. However, this cycle was also came with worry, fear and far more doubt that we will ever have another child. The IUI procedures are the end of the line for us right now. Being a one income family puts certain constraints on how far we are able to go to get this baby. While IUIs have been budgeted for and partially covered by our insurance, the cost of IVF is beyond our reach and also not provided any covered by our insurance. That is where the additional new kind of sad comes from. If future IUIs don't work, we will remain a family of three. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my little family more than anyone could ever fathom, but it has long felt that a piece of our forever is missing. A sibling for Jax, a son or daughter for Jon and I, a little piece of our family puzzle. So with another loss under our belt we have decided to take a month or so off of fertility treatments to regroup and relieve some of the pressure we put on our selves. Tonight I will indulge in a huge bowl of ice cream, cry way too many tears, let myself feel any and all feelings I have and figure out a way to move forward. And lastly I will pray for mercy. For relief from the heartache, guilt, fear, regret, uncertainty, everything. I will pray for peace.