The Zoo with the Two

We love our field trip days with Lo Bug and we love free zoo day! We braved the sprinkling rain and headed out on an adventure. 

She had to push him and he thought it was pretty funny most of the time. 

I asked him to go in front of the lion and instead of going to the brass looking lion, he went to the water fountain lion. Haha! :) 

Love this girl! 

I loved the elephants.

My little birdie buddies :) 

Little lady on a lion

Getting a picture of these two, especially mine, is work! Woof! Haha :) 

We loved the otters. They were on an awesome kick.

Just my buddies exploring.....everything! :)

They loved the carousel ride :) 

Off to eating lunch and surprise, surprise Jax put up a fight! Story of my life! 

But this lady ate great :)

These two! Love them :) 

After the zoo it was off to Scheels to add more fun to our day. 

Okay they could have played with the hand dryers all day long. I let do it for 10 minutes :) 

Loved our ferris wheel ride together :) 

They think they are siblings :) 

Such a fun field trip day :) 

Tiny Moment - Gracie Drop Off

We LOVE our Tuesdays! We get to drop our Gracer off at school. Jaxson loves to pretend he is a student in her class and I am pretty sure she loves it too :) 

Breath Momma

To the moms of "problem" children (wow I'm already crying as I start to type this. An event which brought on this post is still very fresh for this momma. Anyways, here it goes). To all of you moms of high energy, stubborn, wild, rambunctious, adventure seeking, firecrackers up their bums, etc. children, take a deep breath. Take lots of deep breath, take them all day long. Because I know that you need them. In your breath, remember it's just a moment. A bitter sweet moment in time. A time that goes too fast in hindsight but feels like an eternity in you momma insanity and desperation at the time. Know that you are never alone in your worry, insanity, tears, frustrations, broken heart, etc. Even though you feel quite alone in sea of "well behaved, normal" children and their sometimes "assuming" parents. Remember the moment will pass and all the good and amazing in your child is still there and always has been. Your child is not a "problem child" and you are not failing. Screw everyone who thinks differently. Yup that's right, I said screw them (judgement comes from an insecurity within them, not your child or you). They can't fathom that one little person can hold so much.

I have my very own high energy, steadfast little guy. He requires a lot of attention, consistency, redirection and a bum load and a half of patience. He is also sweet, funny, thoughtful, intelligent, adventurous and loving. Unfortunately with Jaxson (in other people's eyes) it's easier to see the busy, stubborn, at times aggressive side....the challenging part of him. He is still learning to deal with all the extras that come with his awesome personality and so am I as his mother. I remember Jon's grandma said the sweetest, wisest thing to me. She said how can we expect the mammoth of the spirit Jax has to fit in that little body. He needs to explore, see and do. He needs to let that spirit shine. I am always working on letting him shine and not worry about how others see him. Because my "problem" child as some would call him is freakin' AWESOME! And we could not love him and all that comes with him more!

Tiny Moment - Comfort in in the Bum of the Beholder

Apparently this is a comfy way to watch TV. :) 

Mommy Badge

Lately I have been wondering if I wear any less of a mom badge than the other moms around me. Mainly because it has been brought to my attention and also because, let's be honest being a parent of an only child wears on me and concerns me daily. I'm sure you've heard the comment or have even said it yourself, "just wait till you have two kids or three kids or four kids, etc., etc." or "you only have one, you have no idea" or "when you have more than one child you will really understand what it's like" or "I wouldn't even know what to do with a free moment". When these comments are directed towards me I have learned to shut up and smile and say you know what, I don't know what it's like. On the inside my heart is breaking. If they only knew how afraid I am that might not ever get to experience having more children because of the uncertain future I hold. Then fear creeps in, coupled with a huge amount of self doubt. Have I done enough to wear my mom badge proudly? I only have one child. Should I feel guilty? He no longer needs me to breast feed, spoon feed, get him in and out of bed, he knows what he wants, when he wants and knows exactly how he thinks he should do it. He doesn't require all my attention anymore either. So I have been able to find my favorite hobby again. I have been able to find a little piece of happy in the infertility crap I wade in daily. But I am still his constant play mate, his best buddy. I am the one teaching him to share, not push, use his words, to be kind and loving, to learn. I'm trying to raise a little boy into a good man. I'm his chauffeur to fun & adventure (& the occasional doctor appointment &/or errand usually against his will! :)). I'm his chef morning, day and night (well dinner time anyways. We don't roll with midnight snacks around here....unless it's mine :)). His secret keeper. His warden on bad days. His cheerleader and coach. His clothes and hair stylish (he will read this later while looking at pictures from the time and probably think I failed that one! :)). His waste manager (yup I am talking about diapers.....someone hates the toilet! Really he hates that I ask him to go on the toilet). Above all I'm his advocate and I should learn to be my own. I have one child and I wear my mommy badge proudly. I might not be in the sleep deprived state (don't worry we took a 15 month road trip there), or too busy to see straight state stage but I'm still a mom. I am a mom that has her good days and bad days. A mom who gets tired of doing the same thing day in and out but can't imagine another calling for herself. I am a mom with a steadfast (aka stubborn) little 3 year old boy. I am a mom who worries of she is doing enough to raise a good kiddo. I am a mom feels the weight of motherhood everyday. I am not less of a mom because I have time to clean or have a hobby. Or because I don't have multiple ducks in my flock. So I will wear my badge proudly and not think down on myself even though my motherhood looks different than those around me.

Tiny Moment - Raspberries....Well Kind Of :)

Tiny Moment - Errands With My Fav

Sometimes if this little mister is a good boy during errands we do a Cabelas stop in. This kiddo loves it! :) He loves the fishies, the airplane, all of the tents, the animals, the four wheelers, everything. 

Happy 6th Anniversary to Us!

Has it been 6 years!?!? It feels like just yesterday but then again feels like we have been together for forever! :) Sure grateful to have this guy by my side for eternity. :) 

Us 6 years ago! :) 

Tiny Moment - Shoes!

So excited! I haven't gotten new work out shoes in 5 years or something!!! Loving these new kicks and I'm excited to put these to good use :) Wish me luck :)

Tiny Moment - The Only Time I Am The Big Spoon

Love a sleepy snuggler! Please never stop napping cute boy!!! And never stop snuggling after your nap :) 

Could Denial Work?

Will it work?  If I avoid infertility anything and everything, will it stop hurting? Lately my life has taken a few different focuses and I haven't been thinking about our infertility. Actually I have been avoiding it like an infectious disease. The disease consists of disappointment, guilt & misery. This avoidance has actually lent to some happiness, superficial as it might be. I don't loathe two and half weeks out of every month. I don't become a puddle with every pregnancy, gender & birth announcement. I have found ways to heal some of my broken parts. Now I rip off my monthly bandaid refusing to think of what it all means (I'm beyond over analytical) and the pain passes quickly. But every once in a while, something sneaks in. A baby cry, a sibling moment, an ache I've tired to push down to the bottom of my everything. It blindsides me and destroys me all at the same time. I'm infected. The disease has found me and it come only for destruction. It takes away the false bliss I have created and reveals the raw and brutal truth I have refused to see. And when it's done shredding everything, it goes dormant, planning and plotting in it's silence. Once again, I try to rebuild my fake, ignorant bliss. At the end if the day, it feels like the only saving grace I have.

Tiny Moment - Just Chatting With Jax

Tiny Moment - Life Jackets & Buckets

This kid! He is a funky little monkey and I could not adore him more!!!! :) Just another day in the life of Mister Jaxson Conley! :) 

The Lord's Timeline/Will or Imperfections of the Natural Man

Infertility is a tricky beast. No if's, and's, or but's about it. It strikes to the core of every infertile couple and woman. Especially women who believe they are divinely ordained to be mothers (to preface, yes I know having biological children is not the only way to be a mother). I remember when I was nineteen and received my Patriarchal blessing. I waited a little longer in life (it's typical to get it in your early teens) because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what the Lord wanted for me. I definitely wasn't ready when I was younger. I was too angry to ever want to concede maybe the Lord knew me better than I know myself. As I got older, a desire grew to understand a path that would be blessed by Heavenly Father upon my righteousness. At this point I still believed I would have it all, a career, a husband, children, a nanny, all of it. Upon hearing the words of my blessing my world changed. While receiving an education was encouraged in my blessing, I was instructed to be at home, to raise my children on a daily basis. It knocked the preverbal wind out of me. I cried. I cried so hard. I was not pleased with the plan the Lord had for me. I needed to go out and conquer "the world". The life in my blessing, was not the life I had envisioned. I prayed so hard after I received my blessing to understand the Lord's will for my life. After much prayer, study and contemplation I felt such an overwhelming confirmation of the Lord's plan for me. He provided so much comfort and so much love in that confirmation. I kept getting the feeling that I would affect the world in ways I couldn't fully comprehend.  I then set my life on a course to align with my blessing. I worked on my spirituality, my education, loving myself as a person. I got married (even though that took 5 more years to get there....that was because of me....fighting the Lord on the plan and against my story of being from a divorced family), then we had Jax. But then everything felt like it came to a screaming halt! We couldn't get pregnant with a second child. I kept thinking....what? why? This was the plan. This was my blessing. I am being faithful. I am trying to live right. Why is the Lord withholding the blessing of a second child? I am still living with these questions as we progress on this infertility journey. But trying to view them with faith. Trying to remember the Lord's blessings, happen on His timeline and not mine. Remembering that whether we have a second child in this life or the next, my blessing has already happened and will increase with time.....the Lord's time.

Tiny Moment - My Little Charmer

Today I went into the gym to get daycare all set up. Well this little charmer ran over to the fridges and kept saying "momma you buy dis pwease", pointing to the Gatorade. The chick running the shake stand said he could have one on her and kept telling me how cute he is and what a charmer he is. Cute little stinker :). 

Tiny Moment - J&L Adventures

These two!!! There aren't words for how much I love and adore these two monkeys. They really do love each other, especially when they aren't around their own toys or houses. When we go adventures, they are besties to their core and it's so fun to watch. Today we hit up a couple of places. First we went to the BYU Bean Museum....

Then we were off to the BYU Paleontology museum.....

(Attempt 1 at this photo)

(Attempt 2)

(Attempt 3....let's call it good!!!!)

Last, we headed to the Museum of Curiosity at Thanksgiving Point. 

Love the adventures of J&L!!!! :)