The Box

Doesn't being a mom make you feel all the feels!?!? And when you feel the feels, everything is a little deeper, a littler rawer, a little bit more split wide open. The good, the bad, the hard, the happy. When I see my children, I am reminded a part of heart beats outside my body. Well at least that's what motherhood feels like for me. So when this latest bump in the road with Jaxson occurred, I felt so completely raw. He has been attending his preschool since late August and is now in his final few months. I opted to do two years, mostly hoping the exposure to a school environment would prepare him for a kindergarten setting. He has a little energy to say the least ;). These last couple of weeks have been a rude awakening.......mostly for me. I guess I didn't realize in order for my child to succeed in school he would have to be fit in a box and there is only one type of learning practiced in this box; and nonconformity equated to failure. I guess I was naive enough to believe there was room for individuality in learning. Unfortunately, our experience with school has been less than encouraging in this area. Here is a taste of our current situation......

Today I entered Jax's classroom to pick him up. Sitting there on his assigned carpet space, my once happy go lucky boy looks miserably and quite broken down. He gets up to give me a hug and then stands silent and sad as I am informed of his supposed infractions and transgressions of the day.......not enough sharing, a little push here and there, taking toys, distracting others during circle time, running, playing tag, not sitting criss-cross apple sauce, getting too close to other faces when he wants their attention to play. (These are all the infractions I have heard over time, not just one day. And mind you this is just my child. I have sat through many pick ups and no other parent is spoken to). And Jax's punishment....no show and tell. Which is something that we have been working on.....helping him to be brave, to speak in front of others, to share his stories and emotions. So no show and tell for Jax again today....4th time in two weeks (mind you they have had school 4 times in last two weeks). Our poor little guy has been singled out time and time again and made to feel different and bad. After hearing the list for the day, he says goodbye to his little buddies in class and I take a hold of his hand. His sweet little hand. It belongs to a loving, tender, energetic boy, who has my heart. We cross the parking lot and arrive at the car. After he is settled in his seat, I look back and can tell he is still in the depths of his little thoughts and feelings. I ask him about his day and how he's doing. In the most solemn, sad voice he says, "I'm just fine mom, just fine". Oh how my mommy heart breaks. I try and put on my happy front for him and turn on his alphabet song......"Mom, I don't want to listen to this". And my mommy heart breaks a little more. My sweet 4 year old is starting to dislike school and learning. There is the raw. My little walking heart is hurting and I hurt with him. 

I understand teaching a classroom of twelve 3-4 year olds has to be exhausting and challenging. I also understand the quirks associated with Jaxson's over active nature can be equally challenging. I work with him 7 days a week. We talk about being a good friend, sharing, taking turns, being kind, no pushing or shoving or hitting. We talk about listening to our teachers and being respectful. He knows listening is an action word, which requires doing. We talk about trying our best to get our work done and staying in our seat. These are the things we talk about and work on daily. I pray and cry for Jaxson every day. I see his infinite worth and potential. I know how smart and determined his little soul is. I see the zest he has for life. I see the love and tenderness he has for others. And I worry. Will he be cast aside? Deemed the bad child in class because of his energy level? Will he become that lost little sheep? Will it effect and shape who he thinks he is? Ahhhhhhh I hate thinking these things are even possible. I hate thinking he will ever think he is less than who he really is and who he can become. Like I said this little bump has made all our hearts a little raw and we are just trying to figure it all out. 

Here is my sweet boy who doesn't fit in the box and I could care less! Because he is AMAZING! I hope he always stays true to who he is and says "screw the box!".