Tears & Sweat

Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done, hands down. Each stage of Jax's life thus far has provided joy and growing pains for both him and I. We've laughed and cried throughout the growth of our experiences and I think come out better on the other side. Honestly a lot of days I just pray I'm doing more good than damage to his emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. Today I experienced something I have long feared as a mom. See the thing about Jax is he is an amazing little guy. Full of heart, joy, energy, adventure, curiosity, love, happiness. However, accompanying these amazing personality traits, he also has a firecracker up his bum 24/7. He hates to sit down, he's pretty sure he is missing "it". He loves to be moving, doing, exploring, being part of the party. The kid has been like this not only since birth but in utero in well. It is part of who he is (not just an age or gender thing for him). And t's definitely been a challenge for me as a mom to try and parent. I remember looking at parents of high energy children and judging them a little but.....yup I judged them and karma has come back to bite me. Just to clarify quickly, I wouldn't change Jax. Not one ounce! All the little pieces make up who he is. It is my job as a parent to try and find good filters for all his little pieces until he has learned to do that for himself. So back to one of my biggest parenting fears with Jax. I'm so afraid that people will only see the very top layer, the over the top, crazy energy and not take the time and/or patience to see what a truly amazing little boy he is. This happened on Sunday in his new class. I could see by week two that one of his two teachers strongly disliked my three year old son. After he was removed from their class, I was a puddle. I felt raw. Jon thought it was because I was afraid of what this teacher thinks of me as a parent. I explained to him it had nothing to do with me. I hurt because they couldn't see Jax and time dismissed him and with an attitude so strong, it swallowed our classroom (we teach an older class). They took neither the time, nor patience, nor love to try and include and understand him. That is one of my biggest fears in raising Jax.....people not being able to see him the way I do. Of cruelly dismissing him. At the end of the day I can't control the way people see him. I can only express to him what I see when I look at him.....an amazing little boy who has changed me for the better in every way. Someone who has an amazing zest and zeal for life. Someone who once they love, they love hard and forever. Someone who is so tough and fast on the outside but squishy and all love on the inside. At the end of the day, I hope he remembers that the Lord's and his opinions are really the only ones which matter. And the people who love him will see him, the real him and all of him. I also hope that I can always be the type of person who chooses, when put in the situation, to take the extra time and love with someone else's child to see and understand them. The world s going to tell these kids over and over again that they are not enough or too much or whatever else will bring them down....I hope to not be part of that world and not let Jax be part of that world.