Heart Tug

It's weird that my baby hunger has gotten to the point that when I hear a newborn cry I feel literal tug and sink feeling in my heart. It's the weirdest thing because it's not just in my mind but my body is now having a physical reaction to hearing it. And while it's a physical reaction, the accompanying emotion rocks me. I feel so broken right now. There is this huge part of me that mourns the lack of new life and contains a yearning that never stops. My beautiful, crazy, amazing Jaxson turns three this month. His birthday is bringing a whole new reality and heart break. My baby is really not a baby anymore and unfortunately there is no baby on the horizon. My hope, my dream of another baby feels so far away, almost lost. So every time I see a sweet, beautiful, amazing, exhausting miracle of a newborn with its tiny fingers and toes in the perfect ball position. There is a part of my that wonders if I will ever recover from not having another child. I wonder if the hole in my heart will swallow me up one day. I know life moves on and my struggle to some seems trivial but to feel your purpose so strongly in your being and not being able to fulfill it, is heart breaking...... at least for me. For now all I can do is celebrate the life we were able to bring into this world and keep the hole in my heart at bay.