The Long Term Guilt

I love the holidays! Probably more than any normal person should. I love the festivities involved, the food and mostly the gathering of the people I love, namely my siblings and their families (my parents too :)). I love that we can relate not only to our childhood memories past but the memories we've made gathering together since adulthood and having our own families. I love that I get to love and cherish their children and them mine. I love that our relationships go far beyond the holiday and special occasion get together and runs much deeper that I could have imagined as a child. So while holidays and special occasions are just an example of our relationships, the relationships themselves are truly one of the constants in my life and the things I cherish in this world. Well what was the point of my love rant about my siblings. It comes back to the guilt of not being able to give Jax a sibling. Right no he's 2 and half and could care less. He has mom, dad, aunts, uncles grandparents and cousins. So the kid is in heaven. Right now he doesn't know what he is missing, he just knows he is loved. But there will come a day far to soon for me to make peace with, where my sweet, crazy boy will come to me and ask why he doesn't have brother or sister. And the image of that possible future breaks my heart. The image of him not having that constant best friend cuts me to my core (& yes I know sibling relationships are not perfect, I have four siblings. But the imperfection of these relationships takes no value away from them). While all the family he has is amazing, the most likely truth is that while he will stay close to them, each individual family will go their own way over time just like my family did at a certain point growing up (due to the shear volume of people at the parties ;)).  While I love my cousins, would be there for them in a heart beat and genuinely love spending time with them when  I see them, it's different then my relationships with my siblings. There is an inherent closeness that's hard to replicate. This realization makes me so incredibly sad for my boy. This is one of the heart breaks of secondary infertility. This is on of the things that keeps me up late at night. This is one of things which triggers tears upon watching young siblings or interacting with my own. This is my long term guilt.