Acceptance of the Inevitable

As I help Jax with something this afternoon I feel it. It's familiar, on schedule, hated and dreaded. The first cramp. The cramp preceding the major ones to come in the next few days. I try to wish it away, will it away, pray it pray, plead it away. But it doesn't stop and only grows. I tell myself that there is no way this is happening.....Not again. Not for the 14th time. Please no. But the pleading doesn't help and the nightmare continues. So I suck it up, put on my happiest mom face and continue with my day. I know the full blow heartache is days away. Something I have not been able to prepare myself for the last 13 times and I know this time will be no different. I know it will feel like another loss. It sounds funny to call it a loss but truly to me it is. It is a baby that will never be, that I will never get to hold or raise, I will never get to love. So to me it is a loss. And such a painful, personal one. The kind that reminda you a piece of your family's forever is missing. Now I wait for the day when my own personal hell begins, for the bottom to drop out. And because anticipation is callus, I will soon start to pray for it to come. Some might naively say I jinx myself. But if I've learned nothing else through this trial, I've learned I cannot change the Lord's will or my body's. Jinxing myself is a worry of the past.  So soon I will pray. I will pray to be put out of my anticipation misery. I will pray to start my period. Then I will and the seemingly vicious, unforgiving cycle will begin again. And I will ask myself how much more sorrow can I bare.