A Big Week

This week is kind of a big week at the Conley house. Tomorrow Jax goes in to see how his allergy levels are doing with his allergist. Dr. Matheson. And Thursday I go in for my HSG procedure at Timp Hospital. So Last night I laid in bed and in my sleep derived insomnia I let mind wander. It imagined if the two appointments went the worse they possible could. Horrible, right!? But that's me....a mentally prepare for the worst, and secretly hope for the best kind of girl. I laid there and lived through the struggles of the last year. First I thought about Jaxson. Trying to figure out what to feed Him. wondering what emotional, social and physical effects his dietary restrictions could have on him now and in the future. Knowing I was completely unprepared for him in a natural disaster situation (& knowing there are few and far between resources to help). Working through the silliness of being jealous of parents that could feed their child everything and anything and thought nothing of it. Disliking servers giving me the stink eye when I send them to the kitchen to ask the chef about ingredients. Feeling the guilt of not knowing if I did something that caused his allergies. I remember sitting in Dr Matheson's office almost a year ago and hearing him list off the allergies for jax. He was not even 15 months and it seems crazy but also somewhat manageable. He was so little with few opinions at that point. I remember looking in Dr. Matheson's face but not being able to pinpoint the exact emotion(s) he was conveying. Now I know it was concern mixed with a great amount of sympathy. See, while I didn't realize the toll the allergies would take, he did and we aren't even into school and food allergy bullying yet!!! (Oh these are the things that keep this momma up till all hours of the night!). So with Jaxson's appointment tomorrow, I've asked myself what am I hoping for. The problem is hoping and expecting are in fierce competition within my mind. Of course I'm hoping the doctor tells me jax out grew his eggs, dairy, soy, corn allergies and is no longer anaphylactic to peanuts, just allergic. What I am expecting is for the results to have remained consistent with last years in addition to new ones (gluten, strawberries) I want to have tested. Sadly my expectation and fear are one in the same. Oh well that's life, right? Take things as they come and just keep swimming. No matter what happens tomorrow, there is still food in this world that jax can eat (getting my picky boy to eat them is another story!) and it's my job to help him feel secure no matter what life throws. I just have to remember to breath, especially in grocery stores and restaurants and carts people have left peanut butter filled crackers in and playgrounds and parties and pretty much anywhere in public....ahhhh....breath! I can do hard things and he's more than a worth it, a thousand and one times over. 

After I resolved Jax's appointment as much as I could in my mind, I started to think about our year struggling with fertility. There have been more tears and heartache that I can express with words. There has never been such an alternating mode of distance and closeness between Jon and I as we switched pages regarding the subject. There has never been such an uncertainty of faith for me. And never a greater degree of emotional self beating and insomnia. Needless to say I hit a heartbreaking level of despair this year. Fortunately I have a supportive husband, precious yet crazy little boy and amazing support system through my family and friends. I am surviving and better yet, surviving happily :). This upcoming HSG procedure/test (pushing a dye through my Fallopian tubes and uterus for an essentially live x-ray, Helping to determine scaring, blockages, fibroids, odd uterine shaping, etc.) scares me. So many unknowns. including the unknown of everything being fine and not knowing where to go from there. I don't know what result I want from it. I guess my hope would be small blockages in my tubes removed by the procedure. Is that my expectation.......honestly I don't know. Whatever they say it will blindside me. I'm trying to prepare for something, everything and nothing. How do you do that? I know it's not possible, but unfortunate my over analytical mind disagrees, especially at 2 in the morning. I know this is where my faith comes in (which I found again by the way :)). But faith in the unknown has never been my strong suit (& please don't say the classic line, "maybe The Lord is trying to teach you something then...wink wink"....I might smack you! ;) in all seriousness I know we learn through trials and I have learned a ton through this last year as much as I don't want to admit it BUT I'm so tired. I'm tired of not knowing, of feeling like the ultimate failure, I'm exhausted....mind, body and soul exhausted. I guess if nothing else I'm hoping for an understanding, peace. 

So as tomorrow kicks off our big week, I will pray for peace that no matter what it will all be okay. I will try to let got of my expectations and hopes and just breath through any and all news given. Fingers crossed and wish us luck!