Motherhood. Such a simple phrase. It carries a tenderness. A nurturing sensibility. A diving privilege. For some it comes easily, others harder and some it comes it unconventional ways and/or looks very different. I believe every woman experiences motherhood in their own precious way or at least I'd like to hope that for them (if it's their desire). For me, motherhood did not come easily or rather pregnancy didn't. While I was born a nurturer and mother at heart. My body had other plans. With our first, Jax's conception came easily, with a smooth pregnancy and birth. He was a sweet infant, preferring his mom to all. He became a very, very, very, very busy toddler (sometimes leaving this momma in tears, not knowing how to deal with his high energy and lack of listening skills. Add an over zealous first time mom on there and we were a little bit of a hot mess). Jon and I believed our path to more children would be similar to the first and be quick. We proceeded to try and have a second child. Unfortunately, the Lord's will and timeline said no. We proceeded to do a battery of tests leaving us with a diagnosis of Unexplained Secondary Infertility (which didn't feel like a diagnosis at all to be honest) and completed 3 IUI's with my OB, Dr. Ollerton. Despite his best effort, even coming in on a Sunday in his church clothes to perform an IUI because of timing of my ovulation, no baby. We then moved to a fertility clinic. After two weeks a of shots, a painful trigger shots, lots of ultrasounds, and another IUI, after 2.5 years we were finally able to conceive! Our sweet Benson Timothy was born! He came out like a shot gun shell (I went from a 6 to a 10 in 12 minutes) but that delivery room. Oh my word, how the concord of angels attended his birth. My most favorite angel, Timmers (my sister's husband who had passed away a little more than a year before his birth), had a presence in that room that rivaled most (I think because Bens became his little buddy in heaven, the enveloping smile and love of pizza being the biggest pieces of proof). Benson's birth ended up be a healing to my heart with the loss of my bonus brother and to our extended family's. Benson was a sweet but colicky baby. Held and loved by all! He has a zest for life that is unmatched, a firey disposition that rivals his red hair and a sweetness that melts any and all. After Benson's birth we thought we would be proceed with fertility treatments but hit another road block when I went in for first round of testing. They said my thyroid was so low they wouldn't proceed as my baby would die in utero or be born prematurely or with mental deficits. I lost it. We decided to wait on moving forward to get a second opinion and seek treatment if necessary. Within a month, I held a positive pregnancy test a just bawled. My baby was going to die or be born with deficits because of me and my body. I called my OB and they ran my blood work again.......my thyroid had rebounded and was operating normally. My beautiful *accidentally* naturally conceived baby was hopefully going to fine. They kept telling me those words but my heart was racked with guilt and concern. I was in tears a lot of appointments, questioning their answer. My two doctors were kind, medically thorough and reassuring (love them to death, they are the best!) Weston Oliver also came out like a rocket (apparently my body thought going from a 6 to 10 super quick was fun and decided to do it again). His delivery room had such a sweet reverence after I was done swearing because my epidural wore off (same thing happened with Benson's birth). He was my most colicky infant, needing to be held by just me for the first 5 months of his life 24 hours a day. And looking back, even though I was struggling with anxiety from my pregnancy bleeding onto in infancy and not sleeping because of his needs, I realized I needed him that close to me as a he did for the first months of his life. West is now in throws of three-nager-ness. Alternating between the sweetest kid in town and independence flexing that might give his teenage cousins a run for their money ;). Now Jon and I hold the idea of fourth baby in our hearts. An idea so fragile it hurts to think about it. We haven't had another miracle natural conception and the fear of doing fertility treatments with three kids in tow (in my life) seems paralyze me most days. So for now it will remain a hope until I can find a way to move forward. I will never take motherhood for granted. Sure there are moments where I miss my independence and autonomy. But oh my little people. The words for the gratitude in my heart fails me. I always related to the phrase of my children are my heart being outside my chest. Nothing could be closer to how I feel about them. I feel all their feels and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love experiencing their joy, their discoveries, their elation, their growth. I hate to see them in pain, but to seem them strive to achieve, to thrive, to improve.....it's amazing. Being their mother is the greatest privilege in my life.
I doubt I would be able to find the right words to express the immense, overwhelming, beautiful gratitude I have for my little family. Don't get me wrong, we are the hot mess train express but they are my life, my soul, my heart. They are at the core of every thought, every emotion, every decision, everything. They make me crazy, they also make my world turn and shake at the same time, they are life. I honestly never knew such a deep and thoroughly expansive love could exist on this earth but these four awesome and amazing (& annoying and crazy) guys have shown me over and over again my love knows no bounds for them, just like theirs for me doesn't either. How grateful I am for their love (even when I am completely undeserving), the patience (definitely undeserved), their faith in me (when half the time I don't believe in myself), for seeing all my good parts and allowing so much grace and love on the not so good parts. It feels like such a privilege to be a part of our family's journey in this life.....the ups and down.....I wouldn't miss a minute of the ride with my forever crew because to put it as simple as a possible.....they are the best!
Our amazing and beloved prophet issued a challenge this week to find more gratitude in our lives. In his address he said, "....counting our blessings is far better than recounting our problems.". I have always known this to be true but this year has worn so many people down, including myself. It has been far easier to focus on the problems of and in the world (a viral pandemic, an earthquake, economic instability, political strife, civil unrest, family growing pains, marriage growing pains, individual growing pains, etc.) and at times the blessings of the day seemed to only exist in the shadow of desperate times. But I know in my heart and soul, gratitude brings light and those blessings make their way out the shadow of hardship and to the focus of the light. While I am not a big social media poster (as the Prophet challenged us to post 7 days of thanks on social media), I have such a testimony that remembering gratitude changes the heart of the rememberer and they create good ripples of light in the world. I think more than anything right now, my heart needs to change and rediscover the things I have let slip into the shadows. So I will post here, in our family journal my seven days of gratitude and pray for the change in my heart.
Day 1:
I am so grateful for living prophets in my lifetime and before. Their words of wisdom, revelation and peace are such a sustaining and guiding force in my life. Every I find myself in a place of hardship or discouragement, the Lord turns me towards their words and counsel. Here is just a little blip of the truth they have shared with me......
Joseph Smith '32 - '44
"The nearer a person approaches the Lord, a greater power will be manifested by the adversary to prevent the accomplishment of His purposes."
"The devil flatters us that we are very righteous, while we are feeding on the faults of others. ...if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another."
"The best way to obtain truth and wisdom is not to ask from books, but to go to God in prayer and obtain divine teaching."
"It mattereth not whether the principle is popular or unpopular, I will always maintain a true principle, even if I stand alone in it."
"If you life up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."
Brigham Young '47 - '77
"True independence and freedom can only exit in doing what is right"
"Every Trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation"
"If I had a choice of educating my daughters or my sons because of opportunity constraints, I would choose to educate my daughters....You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation."
'He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he takes offense when offense is intended in a greater fool."
"Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?"
"We have more friends behind the veil than on this side."
John Taylor '80 - '87
"Let us be pure, let us be virtuous, let us be honorable, let us maintain our integrity, let us do good to all men, and tell the truth always and treat everybody right."
Wilford Woodrow '87 - '98
"The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people."
"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply with greater vision with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and your impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
"If you lose your wealth, you have lose nothing; if you lose your health, you have lost something; if you lose your character, you have lost everything."
"The difference between a strong man and a weak one is that the former does not give up after a defeat."
"Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of the government. The history of liberty is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power, not the increase of it."
"The object of love is to serves, not to win."
"I would rather lose in a cause that will some day win, than will in a cause that will some day lose."
Lorenzo Snow '98 - '01
"Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today."
"Make others happy, and you will be happy yourself."
"If a person wants to enjoy the Spirit of the Lord....always cultivate a spirit of gratitude. It is the duty of every Latter-Day Saint to cultivate a spirit of gratitude."
Joseph F. Smith '01 - '18
"Gratitude is said to be the memory of the heart."
"There is no cure for the ills of the world except the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ."
"The knowledge of truth, combined with the proper regard for it and its faithful observance, constitutes true education."
Heber J. Grant '18 - '45
"The true way to be happy is to do something to add to others happiness."
"Satan plans to destroy liberty and freedom - economic, political and religious and to set up in place thereof the greatest, most widespread and most complete tyranny that has ever oppressed men, He is working under such perfect disguise that many not recognize either him or his methods.
George Albert Smith '45 - '51
"The pathway of righteousness is the highway of happiness. There is no other way to happiness."
David O. McKay '51 - '70
"True happiness comes only by making others happy - the practical application of the Savior's doctrine of losing one's life to gain it."
"We go to the Lord's house to meet Him and to commune with Him in spirit."
Joseph Fielding Smith '70 - '72
"There is no cure for the ills of the world except the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ."
Harold B. Lee '72 - '73
"The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own homes"
"If you want to get revelation, do your homework."
Since my birth:
Spencer W. Kimball '73 - '85
"The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of gathering evil around us."
Ezra Taft Benson '85 - '94
"If we only knew it, there are heavenly hosts pulling for us -- friends in heaven that we can't remember now, who yearn for our victory."
"Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thing. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us."
"His word is one of the most valuable gifts He has given us."
"Nothing is going to startle us more when we pass through the veil to the other side than to realize how well we know our Father and how familiar his face is to us."
"Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteousness dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride."
"Men and women who turn their lives over the God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls and pour out peace."
"I testify that you that there is no greater, more thrilling, and more soul-ennobling challenge than to try to learn of Christ and walk in His steps."
Howard W. Hunter '94 - '95
"Those who are filled with the love of Christ do not seek to force others to do better; they inspire others to do better, indeed inspire them to the pursuit of God. We need to extend the hand of friendship. We need to be kinder , more gentle, more forgiving and slower to anger. We need to love one another with the pure love of Christ. May this be our course and our desire."
Gordon B. Hinckley '95 - '08
"God will always make a way when there is no way."
"Nothing is too serious and nothing too unimportant to share with him"
"You have not failed until you quit trying"
"Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations."
"Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you."
"The happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others."
"Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do."
"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning."
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough , most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.....The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
"Being humble means recognizing we are not on earth to see how important we can become but to see how much difference we can make in the lives of others."
"Prayer unlocks the powers of heaven in our behalf....Be prayerful. You cannot make it alone. You cannot reach your potential alone. You need the help of the Lord."
"Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. Just do the best you can, but be sure it is the very best."
"We are people of peace. We are followers of the Christ who was and is the Prince of Peace. But there are times when we must stand up for right and decency, for freedom and civilization, just as Moroni rallied his people in his day to the defense of their wives, their children and the cause of liberty."
"Are these perilous times? They are. But there is no need to fear. We can have peace in our hearts and peace in our homes. We can be an influence for good in this world, every one of us."
Thomas S. Monson '08 - '18
"Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears."
"So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference."
"What does it mean to endure? I love this definition: to withstand with courage."
"Charity is having patience with someone who has left us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are."
"He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."
"So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference."
"Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees."
"The sweetest experience I know in life is to feel a prompting and act upon it, and later find out that it was the fulfillment of someone's prayer or someone's need. And I want the Lord to know that if He needs an errand to run, Tom Monson will run that errand for Him."
'Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it."
"Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven."
Russell M. Nelson '18 - Present
"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient will remember them for a lifetime."
"Even if everyone is doing it, wrong is never right."
"In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and contact influence of the Holy Ghost."
"When sore trials come upon us, its time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace and comfort."
"The Lord has more in mind for you than you have in mind for yourself! You have been reserved and preserved for this time and place. You can do hard things."
"See the good and the potential in others, undeterred by the inevitable imperfections."
I know their counsel far extends from the quotes listed but these definitely some of my favorites!
