Tiny Moment - Never Turn Your Back On This One....

Because he will open up the cereal box and start eating it before you have a chance to pour him a bowl. ;) 

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Acceptance of the Inevitable

As I help Jax with something this afternoon I feel it. It's familiar, on schedule, hated and dreaded. The first cramp. The cramp preceding the major ones to come in the next few days. I try to wish it away, will it away, pray it pray, plead it away. But it doesn't stop and only grows. I tell myself that there is no way this is happening.....Not again. Not for the 14th time. Please no. But the pleading doesn't help and the nightmare continues. So I suck it up, put on my happiest mom face and continue with my day. I know the full blow heartache is days away. Something I have not been able to prepare myself for the last 13 times and I know this time will be no different. I know it will feel like another loss. It sounds funny to call it a loss but truly to me it is. It is a baby that will never be, that I will never get to hold or raise, I will never get to love. So to me it is a loss. And such a painful, personal one. The kind that reminda you a piece of your family's forever is missing. Now I wait for the day when my own personal hell begins, for the bottom to drop out. And because anticipation is callus, I will soon start to pray for it to come. Some might naively say I jinx myself. But if I've learned nothing else through this trial, I've learned I cannot change the Lord's will or my body's. Jinxing myself is a worry of the past.  So soon I will pray. I will pray to be put out of my anticipation misery. I will pray to start my period. Then I will and the seemingly vicious, unforgiving cycle will begin again. And I will ask myself how much more sorrow can I bare.

Tiny Moment - What In the H***?!?!

After swimming with the cousins at Provo Rec Center, Jax decided to climb into the locker. What in the h***?!!? Love this kiddo! He is crazy! :) 

Tiny Moments - Then & Now

Oh these littles! I just love them! I can't believe how much they have all grown up the last two years. Now they are 2, 4, 6 and are as cute as ever! :) Good thing because they are little stinkers in addition to being cute :) Mine is the biggest stinker of all!

Tiny Moment - Red Baseboard Dings

Thank goodness for Magic Erasers sponges because someone likes to drive his "racey car". 

Tiny Moment - Big Boy Lunches Are the Best

Our little guy tends to run like the energizer bunny and lunch is no different. So I still put him in a high chair. But every once in a while he gets to do a big boy lunch at the island and he thinks its the absolute coolest. I wish his little brain would figure out that if he didn't run around like a crazy man, he could have lunch there every day...ugh....little tiny baby brains ;) Good thing he is super duper cute! ;) 

Tiny Moment - Heater Love

Every once in a while when it gets super cold I am too cheap to turn up the heat ;), I will bust out the space heater for a few minutes. Jaxson loves it! He will push a stool over to the heater, grab his snack and warm up. He is his momma's child! ;) 

Tiny Moments - Car Wash Drama

My poor baby still does not like the car wash. But he is so cute when he is sad! :)

I wish I would have kept recording. When the car wash finished, I told bubs how brave he was and how great he did. Then he shouted "Yay!" with the biggest smile. Needless to stay my brave boy got a treat ;). 

Tiny Moment - The Craziness Known as Jaxson

He is crazy....that is all.

:)

Tiny Moment - Love You Most

Does this boy not have the sweetest little face? Love him the most. 

Tiny Moment - Trafalga Fun

With Shauna and Timmers out of town and their kiddos divided between my house (girls at mine) and Cook's (boys at hers), we decided to do some fun combined activities. First we went to Trafalga and then later to the movies. Fun times! :) Love all these kiddos!

Besties 4-eva! 

Let's get racing!

Crazy Jax boy. My disappeared for a little bit and I found these pics a little later. Thanks Gracie girl :) 

They are off to laser tag! (missing Xander and Maxer) 

Look who Aunt Lyss got hang out with when everyone went laser tagging.....isn't he the cutest little guy!?!? And he loves his Aunt Lyss!!! :) Such a smiley, happy boy!

Tiny Moment - Playdoh!

Playdoh = happy kiddos!

Tiny Moment - Love/Hate (Okay maybe not hate but annoy) ;)

Oh these two! They love each other and then they don't :). Jax has been obsessed with Lola since she came to stay at our house on Tuesday. Like never wanting to leave her alone, obsessed. Lola loves Jax but he can come on a little strong! But she has been a great sport. And aren't they the cutest!!! :)  

They came upstairs, cracking up.....not sure I want to know what happened or broke in the basement! 

Tiny Moment - It's On the Wall

So this morning Lola comes to me and says, Aunt Lyss can we do something from the wall? (the wall is simply a wall in my house where we wrote out fun sleepover things to do and taped them up). I said of course, what did you have in mind. Then Lo got a little shy and asked if I would curl her hair. I said of course. When I was done, she said yay, now we need to go over to Auntie's and show her....and we did ;). I tried to get a picture when Brooke (aka Auntie) and I were talking about how cute she looked. She got a little shy and wouldn't look at me for a picture. Such a cute girl! :)  

Tiny Moment - Veggie Cheese Pizza

Tonight we decided to try making a pizza with veggie cheese for our little dairy allergy friends (both Jax and Lola are allergic to dairy). Lola was champ but still said it tasted funny. Jax really only liked the the bread part but ate a few pieces to get an after dinner treat. Cheers to trying new things! :) 

Tiny Moment - Painting In All Their Glory

I am so sad that I've spaced getting my camera or camera phone out the past couple of days. We have had cute Lola staying at our house and have had some fun adventures (Cookie making, swimming). But here is the first adventure I've remembered to capture....painting!  

I gave them the option of wearing a plastic garbage bag cover or painting in their undies/diaper....I ended up with one of each! Fun times painting :) 

5th Anniversary!

Yup that's right, it's been 5 years since Jon and I tied the knot. Well more accurately, 5 years ago we were sealed for time and all eternity. It's been a pretty eventful five years. We have lived in 2  condos, bought our first home, had 6 moves in Verizon with one promotion, Jon finished school at UVU, and most importantly we had one amazing kiddo. Like any marriage we have had our ups and downs, bliss and pain but I am so grateful I get to go through this life with him. I get to be married to an eternal optimist, my best friend, a good man, an great dad and my love.

Thanks to my sister, Brooke, Jon and I were able to get out to dinner for a little bit which was great :). For my present to Jon, I finally changed my last name! Ha! Yes I am the worse wife ever!!! Let me explain. Jon and I had a pretty rough first year of marriage. There were times we didn't know if we would make it. But after a lot of work, compromise and love we figured things out. After that first year, a part of me still felt like my last name was a part of my independence so I just put it on the back burner. When we got preggers with Jax I fully intended on changing it before his birth. I was so excited to add a babe to our family and wanted us to be the Conleys (kind of sad it took a birth of a child to feel that way, but sometimes that's how it goes). Well Jaxson's birth came and went (& yes I am Alyssa Barrett on his birth certificate, after almost 3 years of marriage....mom fail!) and I failed to get to get it changed. And then baby world just took over and it unconsciously got put on the back burner again. Thankfully my brain kicked back into gear and I finally remembered to get it changed. I decided to copy my temp license and wrap it up for our anniversary. I feel pretty horrible it took me five years and a lot of letting go of my pride but I grateful that legally we are the Conleys. :) 

Tiny Moment - My Little Inspiration

(Don't mind the funky coloring. Got to love camera phones :) Convenience always comes with a price ;)) 

Jaxson definitely has inspired me when it comes to my sketching. It has been so much fun to interpret his interests and characteristics through drawing. They are definitely some of my favs! :)  

Tiny Moment - Oh To Be 2!!!

Haha I could not tell you what this tantrum is about because it's like the 10th one or so of the day! Oh to be two. The best thing about his tantrums is that he drops it like it's hot every time. Best bottom buster EVER! :) 

Tiny Moments - Crib 4Eva

Tiny Moment - Stay This Little

It's going too fast. My crazy, sweet boy is growing up way too fast. Little moments like the one pictured above are melting away as Jax keeps leaping into being a big boy and away from being my baby. I secretly hope for him to stay this little......just for a little while longer. 

Tiny Moment - "Our" New Toy!

I'm so excited!!! I have been wanting a sewing machine for a while now. Thanks to my Mom and Rick I was able to get one a little after Christmas! When I pulled it out I think Jaxson was just as excited as I was. In his words it's "coo, coo, coo". He mainly likes the cover so we have a great compromise. He uses the cover and I use the machine. :) Let the sewing begin! 

One Test Done....Probably A Lot More To Go.......

This morning I had my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test performed. Going in I was very nervous on a couple different levels. I expected a lot of pain and uncertain results. Instead it really wasn't painful at all. Pinch, here, pinch, there, a little cramping and done. I am not sure if it was because of the doctor or I am actually tougher than I think I am. Haha, probably the doctor, I am a wuss! (I cried when I had my cervix checked pregnant with Jax. Granted my doc has huge hands!)  So now to the results. The doctor was great and let me watch the x-ray screen as he injected the dye through the catheter. It filled up my uterus and quickly spilled through my tubes. He said there were no blockages, or fibroids or scar tissue. He said my uterus looked smooth, healthy and a normal shape. I was really happy with the results. It's a huge relief to know I don't have crazy scar tissue or damaged tubes.  However, it leaves a huge question mark of why we aren't getting pregnant. So we will try like bunnies this month and if there is no dice, Jon is doing it into a cup next month. Then we will go from there! Wish us luck! :)

Tiny Moment - Tubby Time Toe Tickles

This guy thinks he is so funny. He loves to prop his little toesies on the edge of the tub so mom can tickle them.  I love this crazy guy and he loves tubby time! :) 

Tiny Moment - Demolition Derby

Did you know that we have a demolition derby in our basement....... because we do! 

Tiny Moment - Jon Starting Him Young

Tiny Moment - I Thought I Had A Few More Years

This is how cartoon watching started this afternoon...

Love this happy face....

And then it turned into this...... (What the heck!?!!? Hands down the pants already! I thought I had a few more years)

And then the "what momma, this is what boys do!" face. This kid! :)

Tiny Moment - Late Naps

My bubs has started to take naps later in the day. So I have been having to wake him up so he will go to bed at night. And when I wake him he is so cuddly......and I love it! Cuddles with my boy are the best! :) 

Tiny Moment - Sometimes Bribery Is Worth It

To translate: "I Jaxson" & "I two"

I might have bribed him to say it but it's so dang cute! :) Sometimes bribery is worth it :)

When Life Gives You Lemons, Go and Get Yourself an Extra Large Diet DP (with crushed ice in a styrofoam cup)!

While our appointments are always long at Dr. Matheson's (2 hours today), the information and bedside manner are awesome! 

Here is a run down of our visit to the allergist today......

Waiting to see Dr. Matheson and the pin prick test. Of course that meant he had to unload the diaper bag, run around like a mad man and eat food in an office that prohibits eating food. Oh well! If you put us in a exam room for 35 minutes waiting and I am going to feed the monkey! Like I said it's a long wait but it's because the doctor really takes his time with each patient. And as a lady who goes in with a million questions, I appreciate it.  

Picture on the left was right after he was poked with the allergens and the picture on the right is at the 15 minute mark. I knew as soon as I looked at his back that the news was not going to be good.  Also the nurse that did his test has a horrible poker face. Well that and she kept saying, wow what happened to this poor sweet boy to get all the allergies. That's exactly what I want to hear!!!! 

The waiting after the test wasn't as bad as last time. Jax was super tough and not one tear. The worst part was trying to contain him in a room without a door. Little dude just wanted to run the hallways. Shocking I know!

When he wasn't trying to escape he was standing way too close to the TV watching Lion King. And oh yesser, the office is still rocking the VHS's.

Waiting for Dr. Matheson with Jax's results. Which weren't as bad as I was expecting but also not as good as I was hoping for. So we will start with the worse. His peanut allergy has had a very, very, very minimal improvement. He is still anaphylactic upon peanut exposure and requires an epi-pen  We also have to continue to avoid any cross contamination of peanuts in food (the most exhausting thing ever! Hate cross contamination!) He is also still moderately allergic to dairy, eggs and soy (very small improvements in those numbers as well). These are not anaphylactic, only cause hives an/or vomiting. The doctor is still hopeful he will outgrow these (most kids out grow them by 8 years old). On a positive note, he has out grown his most minimal allergy, corn. Wahoo! This gives me hope, hopefully not false hope. After Dr. Matheson shared the results I started to pick his brain. I asked him about potentially trying desensitizing method with Jax's peanut allergy in the future (desensitizing requires injecting the allergen into the child and counter acting the allergic reaction with epinephrin. This is done on a increment level, increasing the allergen on every injection. This is also done in office by a doctor). He said there are currently two hospitals in the states conducting this study and they are getting extremely mixed results. Some kids are having great results and the other children are having to drop out of the study because they are having such a severe and horrible reaction to the protocol. Ughhhhh so that might be out, especially since it's still so experimental. Then I finally had a mini break down and asked him what the hell I did wrong to have my child have so many allergies. I asked him it was food being modified or because I introduced things too late to Jax (based on the standard pediatric recommendation). He said he didn't think it was food because they have been modifying food in different ways for years and there is physiological evidence that it causes allergies. He then told me about a study conducted between Jewish people in Jerusalem versus Jewish people in New York (not religion based but culture based). He said the people in Jerusalem had a much lower peanut allergy rate versus the people in New York. He said the main difference they could find was a teething biscuit given to the infants in Jerusalem around 4 months that contained peanut oil and other peanut contributors. He also mentioned the fact that since pediatricians have increased the age of peanut avoidance to two years they have seen an increase in peanut allergies, not a decrease. So I asked him as a father and grandfather not an allergist what he would recommend. He said that he would expose him children (& grandchildren) to the allergens between 3 and 5 months while the thymus was still developing. He said it has been shown that exposure during this time, has a decreased rate of food allergies. He said because it goes against the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines, he can't officially recommend exposing an infant so young and has to stick with their recommendations. Then he referenced the dirty pacifier study. There was a study done showing that parents who sanitized a pacifier after it fell on the ground had children with lower immune system versus parents that quickly wiped it off on their pants. He said there is a lot to be said for avoidance hindering the body's ability to work things out. So you better believe the next kid will be exposed to everything at 4 months! (I have Jax's epi-pen so it can't hurt right!) No worries I am not going to give a new babes a whole jar of peanut butter or a bottle of cow's milk. Just a pinky dip rubbed inside the mouth worth! :)

After two hours someone is ready to go home and take a nap! We will back to test his dairy, eggs and soy in 2 years and peanuts in 5 years. 

All and all, I am grateful. One allergy down, four to go! Fingers crossed! But it doesn't mean we didn't receive some lemons today. Nothing an extra large diet DP can't fix! Well the note from Jax's allergist so I take food where ever the fetch I want, doesn't hurt either! ;) 

Here is our visit from last year.....2013